some idiot from REI had the nerve to ask if i stole something, on a previous occasion. that was the first time i had seen him (that i know of), and i had just entered. answered "no, i did not". and he said "nevermind". but he told a woman something about me. tried to ignore him. b/c wrongful accusation is a really big deal. but it is also illegal for the customer to take an undercover videotape or tape recording. and illegal taken recordings are inadmissible in court. besides, who would believe me anyways, if i said he accused me? lawyers cost 500 dollars per billable hour. a psychologist told me to tape record it, after i told him about the Safeway incident last year. but what if he took or broke the recorder, then what? there are always plenty of things neurotypicals can do, that autists do not know how to respond to.
quite frankly, it's taking so much energy to consider someone else's perspective, that i would rather be alone the vast majority of the time.
nine years ago, a clinical psychologist told me he wanted to physically assault the former president. it was like he was trying to bait me into saying "yeah, i wanna physically assault the president too." and then he could've called 5150. likewise, he phone called me, and asked how i was doing. correctly answered someone fired me. he asked if i was safe. answered something like someone might rape me. he answered "you know what i mean". (mandated reporter questions). (rolls eyes). sounded like he acted so obsessed with mandated reporter duties, that he was overstepping bounds. he phoned me. not vice versa.
and then a licensed clinical social worker once asked 3x during one session, mandated reporter questions. how the hell can a client discuss anything that ain't ideal, if the counselor keeps asking mandated reporter questions?
LCSW jamie adair. that stupid bitch asked me how i was doing. answered "depressed." (and i already disclosed that a psychologist diagnosed me with clinical depression. in writing.) that stupid bitch had the nerve to ask me a 😁mandated reporter 😄 question. it was like if the i (or the client) answers anything other than "perfect" to the question "how are you doing?", then it's 5150 questions.
on the train, a woman struck her daughter. another woman told the first woman that she would tattle to 911. and maybe she was a mandated reporter. (fine). but the Bart was so crowded there was barely standing room. so how was it mathematically possible there was only one mandated reporter on the Bart? k-12 schoolteachers. doctors. nurses. licensed clinical social workers. police officers. it was like everyone had to go home, get their most recent paystub, and show that under "occupation", it does not list a form of mandated reporter job.
went to Depression Bipolar Support Alliance and discussed the clinical psychologist. one woman told me that 5150 was not so bad. she said she voluntarily checked herself into 5150. but of course, different locations, and different times. and the staff might've treated her better than they would've treated me. and et cetera.
over 10 years ago, a male to female transsexual told me. that she tried and failed to commit suicide. as punishment, the court sentenced her to court mandated psychotherapy. so i asked who paid for the psychotherapy. she answered she did not have to pay. so i asked who choose which particular counselor it was. she told me she got a list of counselors. and she choose one. that counselor was a male to female transsexual. and that counseling counted toward the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care for hormonal transition. from male to female. through estrogen and progesterone shots and capsules. for my gender therapy, i had to wait 6 months. and it lasted 9 months. and that was it. lemmie take a guess - she did not have to wait?
today's counselor told me that it did not make sense. like how do you go from "i got fired" to mandated reporter. if everyone that got fired got sent to 5150, then there would be a lot of people in 5150. today's counselor told me that counselors that are obsessed with 5150 are not experienced or do not know what to look for. that's a good, euphemism for Jamie Adair. inexperienced.
when i was in 10th grade, 16 years old, French 3. schoolteacher had the nerve to tell me i violated mandated reporter protocol, by writing an essay, in response to a homework assignment, about physical violence. my punishment was that i had to go to 3 total counseling sessions with 2 different counselors. so then i said that @ that time, i did not know about the mandated reporter bullshit. nobody ever told me. (which, of course, brings up the question of what else i do not know, b/c someone failed to tell me.) then i said that i did not feel comfortable around counselors, b/c some of them act totally obsessed with 5150. they acted like they got a cash bonus every time they called 5150. likewise, it brought up the question, what if the clinical psychologist told 5150 that i violated mandated reporter protocol, and i did not. who are the professionals going to believe? of course the professionals would believe the psychologist instead of me.
today's counselor said that when applying for jobs, a 5150 does not turn up on the background check. (although maybe for jobs as police officer, military).
jamie fucking adair is only 35 years old. that's it exactly: if she were to have done everything perfectly, then what? then whooptie do. Jamie Elyse Adair was not nearly as important as she acted like she was. shit.
when i was in 6th grade. 12 years old. i wrongfully accused a someone of stealing something. later, an entire stampede of junior high school reptiles physically assaulted me at the bus stop. they did not injure me, but of course they could have. it was more like they were trying to teach me a lesson. they succeeded at teaching me a lesson, but it was not clear what that particular lesson was. was the lesson (1) do not wrongfully accuse someone of stealing or (2) do not do anything they do not like. b/c quite frankly i get the impression the lesson was (2). b/c it is hard to imagine that they could have concocted a different punishment for each infraction.
and i get that i did something bad and wrong. and i deserved a punishment. but plenty of idiots have since accused me of a wide variety of stupid bullshit. no apology whatsoever. no consolation prize. no punishment. no reward. no lesson learned.
so what was there to prevent them from accusing me again? nothing.
what was there to prevent me from accusing the 6th grade classmates again? fear.
brute fear shit
precious lil "friend" from the past. in september 2015 that stupid bitch saw me sitting on a bench @ ec plaza. "Are you still mad at me?", the lil cunt squeaked. she acted so fucking innocent. morally innocent. like she had never done jack shit wrong before. esp not w/me as a victim. and the word "mad" sounds so condescending. how about "angry" or "annoyed". likewise the stupid bitch acted like i was unjustified. big flying fuck deal. so what i yelled at her. that ain't illegal. @ least i did not hire a stampede of junior high school rodents to waste a lot of calories on the little cunt. what those rodents did to me, i have obsessed about. every fucking day. over 22 years later. back then i was 12. now i am 34. shit. she did not get that sort of punishment. and she still thought that she was right. shit.
but of course the entire situation was different. in that school district, in that year, the protocol was that if a student allegedly did something illegal at school or en route to a school sponsored event. the school dealt with it. otherwise 911 dealt with it. if one of the rodents were to have stopped @ their house on the way from school to the assault, then it would not just have been suspension from school as a punishment.
later, someone that i did not recognize (and barely saw) said "you got my cousin suspended." but it was not even clear the speaker was talking to me. b/c the speaker was far away and all that stupid bullshit. it was not clear who the speaker was. it was not clear who the cousin was. it was not clear how i got the cousin suspended. what the fuck did the speaker expect me to do, not tattle? shit was that really an option? they grossly outnumbered me
other times someone physically assaulted me, but it was just one @ a time. fuck those ass holes. and besides nobody cares about middle school suspensions. not even college applications.
what was unfair was not the way the rodents punished me. at that time i thought that punishment was unjustified b/c it was illegal. but what is illegal is not necessarily immoral. and what is legal in one country in one year is illegal in another country in another year. (fine).
it was unfair, b/c my punishment was not the one any of the ass holes that wrongfully accused me got.
b/c the defendant (me) could be biased in his or her favor. and the plaintiff could be biased in the plaintiff's favor. brock turner's mom wrote a letter to the judge, telling the judge to give brock community service instead of jail. even though 3 months in jail was much more lenient than other defendants got for the same conviction.
and i feel like i am biased against my dumbfuck self. but i can't physically "prove" that i ain't biased in my favor.
nor do i have to.
all i have to do is show that my bias, if any, does not affect what punishment i thought i ought to get.
the counselor told me that there is no system of punishments. (correct.) even somewhere there is a system of punishments, such as a court of law. stanford swimmer Brock Turner got convicted of rape. 3 months in jail. but plenty of other men got convicted of rape and they got much longer in jail. and sometimes someone that is guilty gets a "not guilty" verdict. so even if there is a system of punishments, it still is not universally, objectively, absolutely. fairly. applied. 🙂in a court of law 😇
and outside a court of law there is. no system of punishments whatsoever. shit.
catharsis. fucking love this counselor. should've gone to her a longfuck time ago shit
but it's a day late and a dollar short. had her for the past 6 months. once a week every thursday. 50 minutes each time. for the following 6 months it is once every other week. and that lasts for 6 months. and then no more counseling. MediCal. shit. (rolls eyes). after that what the fuck can i do shit.
fuck Berkeley City College counselor Jamie Elyse Adair.
fuck Claudia Lai
fuck Bouakhay Phongboupha
fuck Doctor Shaller
doctor buis was ok. at least he did not charge me money. and he was not condescending.
but pretty much everyone else, besides the meditation instructor. was more or less a fucking nightmare.
mister redelings had the nerve to tell me i was "lying" when i asked him to call me "he" instead of "she". he wrongfully accused me. and that lil dickwad did not get any punishment whatsoever. no physical assault. certainly no punishment that caused daily preoccupation. obsession. grudge. remorse. for. over. 22 fucking years. and counting. shit. fuck mister redelings.
but that's exactly it. you do not know how someone will respond. before someone responds. b/c i ain't psychic. you might think you know. (pattern recognition.). but unless you are telepathic or psychic you do not know. and every situation is different.
likewise sometimes even they do not know how they will respond. in particular, the emotional types. and plenty of us are a lot more emotional than we would like to be. (including my dumbfuck self). than we see ourselves as. than we are aware of. including myself shit. fuck Jamie Elyse Adair.
in psychology, you can pretty much do whatever you want, as long as it ain't illegal. a 10th grade school psychologist condescendingly told me "the reason why middle school students bullied you was b/c they were jealous that you did better @ school than they did. and if you work hard, you can be whatever you wanna be when you grow up". okay. did her job description say that she had to recite that quote to each customer? when i worked at a campaign, my job was to make cold calls and recite a certain quote. the supervisor told me that i used too little vocal inflection and to use more. so did her supervisor tell her to memorize and practice her lines, with correct verbal and nonverbal communication, just like a professional actress? seriously? fuck claudia lai!
@ the time, i felt a bit annoyed and insulted. b/c she expected that 16 year old me would believe whatever she told me. why, b/c she was older than me? b/c she was more educated? a fucking masters degree in psychology ain't the same as a Nobel Prize in Physics, you stupid bitch!
upon closer inspection, however, i realized that her lines sounded rehearsed. so, i tried to consider it from her perspective. as hard as i could. and then asked another counselor if there could've been a really good reason, from her perspective to tell me what she told me. counselor answered negative.
b/c the thing is, that there is no medical or psychometric test that "proves" someone has a certain emotion, for example, jealousy. likewise, she had never interacted with those students. someone might not be aware of his own emotions. they might have bullied me for a lot of reasons and she had no method to know what the reason was. it was not her job to find out the reason. the reason did not matter.
furthermore, someone could be jealous of someone and express it in a lot of different ways. physical assault is one method of expression. but there was no competition. not like Nancy Kerrigan. for example, i was jealous of mister redelings, b/c that dicklette was not just academically smart, but scrawny, handsome, cisgender, neurotypical, white man. but i did not express the jealousy by hiring a stampede of junior high school rodents to "care" about him. (the dictionary definition of "care" is "to attend to".)
in natural science and engineering, you can't just pick the most favorable explanation and hold it up as the absolute truth. you have to do controlled experiments, publish it in PubMed and get peer reviewed. high school students are not the peer of school psychologists.
telling you "you can be whatever you wanna be when you grow up" is not necessarily "helping people". all other things being equal, working hard might slightly increase the chances that you can be whatever you wanna be. however, there is only one national president every 4-8 years, unless he/she gets impeached or assassinated. not everyone has the potential to do every job. nature versus nurture. not everyone can develop the academic skills to invent the iphone. not everyone can develop the speed and strength to make it to the NBA.
and telling you that quote might trick you into putting all your eggs into one basket. went to a SMART support group. specific, manageable, attainable, realistic, timeable goals. if you set your goals too high, you get discouraged when you fail. which you inevitably do, when pressured ("encouraged") to shoot for the stars. (fuck jamie adair for having the nerve to tell me that a then software engineer "encouraged" me to take community college classes so that i could apply for internships that required applicants to be students. connotation versus denotation, you little cunt! the correct word is "pressured" and "tricked" not "encouraged"). if someone graduates medical school and does not get a residency, then what? the health care system has no role for them. still can't be a medical doctor. they can't even be a nurse. likewise. put all your eggs in one basket. making sacrifices is sometimes necessary and reasonable. but some things cannot or should not be sacrificed. besides, even if you make the sacrifice, no guarantee of success. like in my stupidass case. shit. despite maniacal studying for the SAT, little or no social interaction (and almost nobody accepted me in any significant way), and bullying, i did not get a job that required any stupidass degree.
Claudia Lai was not a professional psychic or a job counselor, nor did she have the academic skills to fulfill those jobs.
likewise, that statement made it sound like i should've purposely done worse @ school, and if i did that, then junior high school rodents would not have bullied me. at least, not as much.
told that to the current counselor. she asked me, retroactively, if i would've chosen (1) purposely doing worse in school, not getting bullied, working at a job i don't want or (2) doinng better at school, getting bullied, working at a job i want.
and i answered that there are some jobs that are so hard to get, that it requires a lot of sacrifice. those professionals have to go to school for a long time. years. tuition. $$. waste energy. and they have to make other sacrifices as casualties. like not enough time to waste doing other shit, such as socializing. i get that. but for the amount of bullying those little insects did to me (and the amount of hard work i put in), quite frankly, anything less than a Masters in Mechanical Engineering just ain't fucking worth it.
you would have to ask: how much bullying, for what degree in what subject and what job? in other words, be specific.
none of the academically smart, vocationally competent STEM professionals that i have interacted with, act like they got victimized an undue amount when they were young. on the other hand, that is just my misinterpretation of their behavior. of course, i did not and could not have followed them around to see if they got bullied. b/c that ain't possible, practical or legal to follow them around. but what if they did get bullied, what if they did not get bullied, then what?
then the current counselor asked me what i would've wanted Claudia to say. which is actually a good question, b/c there is seriously something wrong with everything. maybe Claudia should've said that she was not present at the scene, and she was not telepathic. she did not know what happened, and she did not know someone else's thoughts or emotions. but Claudia could've told me that she noticed i had a lot of undiagnosed autism symptoms. Claudia could've told me to ge thee to a neuopsychiatrist for an official diagnosis. and it had to be early enough to arrange accommodations for the SAT. and it certainly had to be before age 18. b/c of the Regional Center policies.
shit fuck Jamie Adair and Claudia Lai. they acted like they did not just know me, but they knew everything. cunts like them make me wanna fucking puke, shit.
the current counselor is fucking awesome. thus far. but of course, i remain paranoid and uptight. mister redelings did not show me he was homophobic, til i came out as trans. besides, there are an infinite number of forms of prejudice. likewise, what is socially acceptable today might be labelled as bigotted tomorrow. indeed, slavery used to serve some sort of economic function. so you have to live in the present. not in the future. and sure as fuck not in the past. makes me skeptical of what precious lil "people" reject about me today, that there will be laws 10 years later, mandating the passive aggressive tolerance of. and of course, i don't know, b/c i ain't psychic. if i knew, then what? who would believe me and care? nobody. if they believed me and cared, then what? nothing, b/c they have no political power anyways. right now, i do not feel accepted, like a normal person. but, the current city is more tolerant of lgbt and the financially low class, than the previous city. so whatever. getting ignored. it doesn't get any better. laws can't tell someone to be friends with someone. and of course, with laws, come enforcement. if someone does something illegal, where i get victimized, then what? civil lawsuit or 911. other than that, what? peer pressure? with autism? shit. not many times have i ever successfully peer pressured anyone to do anything.
most recent counselor was a fucking bitch. she had the nerve to say "huh" and "what" instead of "excuse me". she interrupted me when i was talking, to squeak "what?". and that "what?" was when i said the word "dojo". she went overboard with the mandated reporter bullshit. she condescendingly told me "i know you're smart". as if her opinion is so fucking important. (Rolls eyes). she had no clue what i've gone through. even after i told her. and when i told her about the toilets, she looked thoroughly disgusted. as if she had never heard anything so gross.
the little cunt did not know the following words:
percent body fat
she had the nerve to tell me "i would never tell someone they're stupid". "would never"? under gunpoint? in a theatrical production? the stupid bitch thought she "knew" much more than she knew. besides, why the hell does it matter what she says?
likewise, the little bitch had the nerve to tell me that i was "important". yeah, to whom, my dumbfuck self? a cockroach is important to itself. that does not make the cockroach important. she acted like she was much more important than she was. besides, how the hell can everyone be "important"? what is the definition of "important" anyways. 8 billion precious lil "people" in the solar system could not all be "important. if a professor passes out a syllabus, and puts 8 billion assignments on it, if all the assignments are "important", then none of them are important. that moronic little cunt Jamie had the nerve to tell me that i thought i was worthless b/c i did not have a job. cause and effect. wrong again, BITCH. everyone is worthless. not just the unemployed. besides, what about those retards that work as licensed clinical social workers, huh? the ones that flap their traps, and they act like they can do no wrong. in structural engineering and accounting, there are methods of getting from the question to the answer, & everything gets written down.
not negligible? obviously we are using different definitions. and the stupid bitch was so fucking arrogant too. like i just had to believe everything she told me. they were just her stupid opinions. who gives a rat's ass, shit?
fuck Jamie Adair!
"My reply, in turn, would be to ask our beloved mayor if he truly believes it's possible to know the soul of any man. Because I have my doubts, people. A man's entire being is an impenetrable mask (and don't even get me started on women), with as many layers as an enormous onion. You can peel away one, two, even twenty layers, but always another layer is waiting below the surface, hungry for its turn in the sun. Some of those layers are wicked, some noble, but most of them just want to watch TV and drink beer." - " The Firebug of Balrog County".
this is why i feel like i can't trust precious little "people". if you interact with someone, all you know is what happened in that situation. sometimes you do not even know that. when i told someone that i had a crush on the solid mechanics teaching assistant, she told me that he was "a good person". but if you know someone's occupation, that is all you know. you cannot correctly assume that just b/c someone is academically smart, they must be morally good.
ted bundy, james holmes, ted kaczinski, all had high IQ scores.
my precious little "parents" royally fucked me over. they left me "beyond repair" and "too far gone". plenty of idiots go around acting like they are smart and important. but they are just fucking full of themselves. it would be different, if everyone's parents treated them the way mine did. (standard of reference).
but it ain't.
they treated me like i had to be perfect all the time. perfect according to precious little "most people's" standards.
it takes too much effort to find someone to interact with. the older i get the more things and precious lil "people" i fear and hate.
job corps, too old to join
military, autism specifically 4f'ed
grad school, nothing i am good @. nothing i want to do. student loan default
peace corps, 2 year only, some countries contain more racism/sexism/homophobia/rape
americorps, 1 year only, summer sessions 9 weeks. then what?
seriously maybe i ought to just make a voluntary choice to just do nothing.
besides, whatever programs there are, the marketing only shows the pros. the purpose of the marketing is for someone to earn $$. it's not possible to know what it's like, w/out going. & if going, then it's a commitment that takes a lot of time and energy to undue. for ex, military.
besides i ain't emotionally ready to make drastic changes. although change occurs sooner or later. and choosing to change sometimes serves a necessary function.
throwing out the baby along w/the bathwater.
in the news, just this year, an 8 year old FTM won the right to join the homophobic Boy Scouts. likewise, a 17 year old FTM won a wrestling tournament as a 110 pound girl.
in a way, it is good, in that the public knows more about transsexuals. more exposure leads to fewer misconceptions. (fuck mister redelings, casey whitsett, amy shyu, for telling me it was "lying" for me to ask them to call me "he" instead of "she").
also, it is also good that outdated policies that only took cisgender children into account, get updated. (fine).
however, my primary emotional reaction: annoyance. secondary: jealousy.
my precious lil "parents" did not send me to Boy or Girl Scouts. what is that, "parental discrimination"? "financial discrimination"? nobody, cisgender or otherwise, has a legal right to join Boy Scouts.
likewise what has gotten on my nerves for a longfuck time was how some morons call adult females "girls" and adult males "guys" or "men". it is either boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, or men and women. thus far, there ain't no linguistic feminine equivalent of "guy". "gal" don't cut it. it's like adult males are so fucking cool they do not have to get called "boys". shit sometimes junior high school males don't like getting called "boys". while females. shit.
but i do not feel comfortable telling idiots that. b/c i feel ashamed that i am so insecure, that something like that sort of terminology (it's just slang), i find insulting. moreover, highly doubt anyone would change, just for me. besides, what if they did, then what? what's so great about that? answer: nothing.
besides, you do not know what kind of mental illnesses or criminal background someone has. anyone could do anything for any reason or no reason, without announcement.
compromise: except for functional purposes, i usually avoid almost everyone. http://depression.livejournal.com/11880168.html
seriously those ass holes do not deserve to live.
"may i help you?" "are you ok?" "do you have a question?"
like they are so fucking innocent. if you have a question, they have an answer.
"may i help you" is better than "may i hurt you". but that is not how they treat their "awesome friends".(mister "we care about you") likewise, some jobs require employees to say "may i help you," but that is not all jobs. and when someone is not at work they do not have to say that stupid bullshit.
"you got a head problem? want me to help fix it for you?", some idiot on the bus had the nerve to tell me. then after he told me, he told the other streettrash he was talking on the phone to. (rolls eyes). (reference to 10/2012 entry). too much eye contact and that's what you get. too little eye contact and that's what you get.
there is no correct amount of eye contact. there is only the amount expected and demanded by extroverts with egos too large to fit the fucking planet.
almost nobody i have ever interacted with is worth the energy it takes to interact with them. shit. they all think they are the greatest thing in the world.
they're just overgrown monkeys.
extroverts. when i think of them, i think of an extrovert's head on a dobermann's body.
extroverts are just like dogs, in that whenever they think a thought or feel an emotion, they bark. they act like they are so fucking important. when it turns out they were wrong, nothing happens. when it turns out they were right, their stupidass owners ("companions") treat them like fucking heroes.
some precious lil "people" treat their dogs as more important than humans. (me). even my stupidass former "friends" let their dogs off leash around me.
shit it would just take an entire longfuck written contract. what to do and what not to do. otherwise lil bitches and ass holes truly believe they are morally entitled to do whatever the fuck they want around me. just like they do whatever the fuck they want when i am not around.
with few exceptions, fuck all extroverts i have ever interacted wtih.
feel fucking exhausted
too tired to even talk a lot of the time
on the other hand, nothing seems to matter enough to justify wasting calories
september 12, 2016, most recent menstrual cycle
now that Trump is president, paranoid about homophobic laws that Trump discussed.
grateful where i live now is much less homophobic and much more democratic than where i lived in undergrad.
a stampede of wild teenagers were cariacaturizing my gait (walk). made me uptight, wondering which other dicklets see me the way they did. likewise they just saw me when i walked past. they did not even interact with me. (rolls eyes). shit. feel so fucking ashamed and shit. like there's something wrong with me.
as stopped up as usual. @ least 3x this year alone, took over 2 hours feces. strained.
"they take hours to shit! if you can't shit, get off!", some idiot from Food Maxx barked @ me. he slammed the door of the other stall. @ least four of them were waiting for me in the doorway. the mens bathroom contained 2 toilets and 1 urinal. @ the time those rat bastards knocked me out, the other toilet was empty.
that is so fucking inconvenient.