numerous previous rejections aimed @ me personally b/c i am a transsexual, socially awkward, b/c i do not (yet) have tertiary sex characteristics, b/c i do not have a lot of $$, or b/c i am rarely alert, have taken an irreversible toll on my resilience such that, in some ways, it would be to my advantage to completely withdraw. coming out of my shell, in this situation, has risks & drawbacks that, by far, outweigh the potential rewards. when i was younger, if i had received a good role model, psychotherapist, or emotionally aware friend, it might've been enough to dig me out of my shell. @ this pt, even that would be too little, too late, although they might help in other ways.
one of the barriers to relationships is that they involve giving the benefit of a doubt & making unjustified generalizations. however, it is not a two way street, in this situation, b/c my social awkwardness resulting from an emotionally negligent "childhood" has given other animals a blank check to treat me as if my existence is unjustified. indeed, i have read about spouses that did not realize that they married a convicted felon, until after 20 yr of marriage. on the other hand, noone knows how behavior works per se. labelling someone as "good" or "bad" @ best oversimplifies the matter. mental illnesses & brain damage could affect anyone, @ any age, regardless of $$ or iq score, or genetics. & what gets labelled as mental illness symptoms have more to do w/societal biases than health. although i tried/try to give "people" the benefit of a doubt, almost all of them, including @ least one biology & psychology professor, have totally misunderstood symptoms of my disabilities. showed that they did not gimmie the benefit of a doubt - they just assumed that just b/c they did not like or understand how i acted, i must've been trying to do wrong. but i recognize why they acted so judgmental - it sure simplified things. but why should i concern my big ugly head with rare exceptions to the rule? i am not a white, or even blue, collared professional; i am merely a social outcast. as a social outcast, i am too busy getting misunderstood/oppressed to worry about the few victims unfortunate enough to be below my status on the social totem pole. even in mechanics class, we treated every situation as frictionless, unless otherwise specified. excessive precision not necessary.
@ this pt, to feel secure in coming out of my lil autistic shell, i would want constant physical & emotional protection for the rest of my pathetic life, as well as an unbroken promise of future satisfaction. of course, that's too much to ask; noone could even promise to outlive me, much less make the guarantee stated in the previous statement. however, i have not made the assumption that many neurotypical animals have made that autism is a disadvantage/weakness in & of itself.
although i remember feeling socially awkward/ostrasized since @ most age 13, i did not get a diagnosis for autism until age 21. nonetheless, my "parents" did not send/tell/allow me to participate in normal social activities. psychologists deem it unethical to give iq tests to clients that have never attended school, b/c both innate intelligence & educational deprivation could cause low scores. thus, i wonder - 1. i got socially/emotionally deprived for so long. 2. i am very bad dealing w/emotions & relationships. 3. i got diagnosed for autism. did #1 cause #2 and/or #3? indeed, autism is still a mystery of the brain. scientists have yet to ascertain the etiology of autism, much less come up with a physical test that determines with confidence that "yes, this subject has autism" or "no, this subject is neurotypical." i doubt that that will change within my lifespan. further, something could be a function of autism without being part of the diagnostic criteria. & it is just not possible to find out everything that could be a function of autism, even with elaborate controlled studies involving identical twins. not to mention that it is not legal for researchers to do studies that involve abusing/neglecting the subjects/children. however, what if i could take an error proof test (not the pregnancy test) that told me, with certainty, that i am autistic/neurotypical. then what? that wouldn't force anyone to become less judgmental or more receptive. no law can mandate social acceptance. why should i have to explain the condition to everyone, or even anyone, that i interact with? why shouldn't they just read a book about it? b/c regardless of how i explain it, it is not possible for me, marfan, to take everything into account, when an infinte amount of information about autism remains unknown altogether.
almost everyone that i have disclosed my autism diagnosis to acted like it was a choice, an excuse, or a defect. they treat me as inferior, just b/c they can't wrap their damn brains around the concept of an invisible disability. (of course, if they do not have the potential to understand, then it's not their fault.) i guarantee that i understand extroverts far more than they understand autists.
i hate & envy alpha males for what they take for granted - social acceptance, spouses, children, jobs, being able to use the bathrm w/out undue anxiety, not having to wear a compression vest, being able to unwind while being cool @ the same time - the list is endless. it's like they own/rule the damn world. as a result, regularly get away w/doing anything legal (&, sometimes, illegal) that they want, while i must, @ all times, be a good role model. & it's not just that i feel bitter about an unfair playing field - plenty of these alpha males (as well as other males & females)have treated me so cruelly that i wanted to mutilate myself. threats of violence, demeaning comments, judging my character, name calling, gossipping about me, talking about me in my presence as if i were not there, physical/sexual violence, blasting their cars' horns @ me in attempt to point out that they were superior in that they had cars & i was not driving a car, laughing @ me, insisting on calling me by my female name. "did you get mad @ (her husband) when he refused to call you by your boy's name?" what the fuck; i obtained a legal name change, through the court, complete with documents & a fee. & she/he/they never saw my birth certificate in the first place. for all they know, my birth certificate might not even be in the roman alphabet altogether, shit! & "get mad?" they expect to be able to do anything, legal or illegal (gender expression discrimination) and that I passively accept it. anything else is "you got mad". looking me up & down like "is that a girl or boy?". giving me that "i'm too important to waste 10 seconds of my life learning how to pronounce your name" attitude. but i prefer to pick my battles, even though some of the previous shit endlessly gets on my fuckin' nerves. but this shit seems to happen so often, not to mention that a lot of it comes from strangers that i do not have occassion to interact w/on a regular basis. they don't like me b/c they don't understand me. then they treat me worse. accusations like "did you get mad?" phrase their biases perfectly - they make it sound like i have to do whatever they want, just b/c there are plenty of alpha males & only one marfan. recently, the term "bullycide" has come to usage. numerous bullies have made me wanna fuckin' shoot myself, just b/c that's the most reasonable way to prevent myself from getting victimized. learning about ape behavior might help me understand them better, (although that is not necessarily my goal). fuckin' sick of dealing w/"people" that have the world handed to them on a silver platter. even the damn teacher wouldn't lemmie move away from the students that victimized me. what was i supposed to do, install a hidden camera? & even if i did, the student could've stolen/destroyed the camera. just b/c i am/was "wierd" does not justify their victimizations.
even my emotionally negligent "parents" did not care/intervene when i got bullied mercilessly. they made me go to middle & high schools 3 & 4 miles away, respectively, in hopes of making me into the perfect chinese daughter w/a full sat score. after schl, i often walked back to my cardboard box. they blamed me for not making dinner, & when i did, they blamed me for not making it the way they liked, even though they never bothered to show me how. (shit, although i regret becoming socially withdrawn, maybe autism/elective mutism was the best option, given the circumstances.) i went for wks, sometimes mths, w/out smiling/laughing. indeed, they knew or should have known that i needed intervention. i stayed in my cardboard box for practically the whole summer going into 8th grade, forced my voice lower (til it sounded disturbing/sick/mentally ill), hunched my shoulders to hide growing breasts. i gorged myself w/food. my "parents" blamed me for getting victimized & offered no outlet whatsoever. thanks to them, every day since menarche, i have considered suicide. educational neglect: "educational neglect includes...failure to attend to a special educational need."http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=8358. autism is not a learning disorder; autism is a developmental disability - a "special education need." had i gotten the same diagnosis during elementary schl, i might qualify for govt benefits right now. in other words, i would not have to worry about where my next minimum wage job came from, nor would i have to dig my dinner out the dumpster. short of breaking the law, they did everything that they could imagine to wreck my life, not just my childhood, but the future prospects. it does not seem unreasonable to blame @ least a large portion of my childhood/adulthood victimizations on them; indeed, my "parents" kept me so cut off from social contact (while claiming to protect me) that it made it nearly impossible for me to fit into my peer group (or, for that matter, any other group), much less establish an adequate social support network. emotional neglect, damn them! they made me take the sat's in 7th grade, after wasting my fuckin' childhood studying. (i got 1040. the avg for 12th graders was 1012.) just like a child could be grossly overwt while malnourished @ the same time, just b/c i am not uneducated does not mean that my "parents" did not give me educational neglect. i don't know why they have not gotten sent to jail, shit.
i feel inferior/dumb, but, regardless of what i accomplished, i would still fell likewise. i could not have gotten a diagnosis before age 18 b/c i could not have legally signed the damn paperwork. after age 18, i could've gotten govt benefits. if i had done so, i am confident that i would have gotten bullied much less. my "parents" told me that if they lemmie take martial arts lessons, i would use what i learned to commit crimes. nonetheless, defendants have a legal right to a court trial. innocent til proven guilty. nobody had accused me of committing a crime. an accusation wasn't even necessary. on the other hand, i think that if i had gone to a schl aimed @ autists only, or to a private schl, i would've gotten bullied much less. & then i wouldn't have this fuckin' victim's demeanor. autism symptoms attract bullies to me. so now the social svcs offered to autistics w/diagnoses after age 18 are so limited that i don't know why i bothered w/a damn diagnosis. shit - i had worked w/autistic children long before reaching 18. i'm not smart enough? that's an awkward statement; no amt of intelligence could have prevented/fixed this shit that i'm in. plenty of extroverted professionals have told me about incompetent actions that they have taken. some of them did not even realize that what they did showed that they were incompetent. for example, a bio profesor (not my own) accused me of stealing his visor. told him 2x that i did not have it. finally, i realized it was attached to his bike. i had neither touched nor expressed an interest in his damn visor. if i wanted to steal something, i would have stolen something more expensive, such as his bmw. this incident illustrated that a biology professor could get away w/basing his conclusions on biases instead of data. although social rejection has shot down my cognitive acuity, i find it hard to believe that an extrovert w/the same iq score as me would have any trouble becoming a white collar professional. i am confident that the same principle applies to their social, as well as vocational, lives - they get away w/(almost) everything, provided that they act whatever's considered cool. fuckin' pisses me off. an extrovert that got convicted of one of each felony would receive much better treatment than me. the world is closed off to me. just b/c i don't use a wheelchair does not mean that i am not disabled. further, i could not just carry around a neurotypical confidante to protect me emotionally/socially the way that the physically disabled can carry around mobility devices. my whole pathetic lil existence, w/the exception of very few relationships, i have had to do all of this shit, all by myself.
i read that about 80% of autists also meet the criteria for sensory integration disorder, a condition that results in the subject either craving much more stimuli than normal animals or frequent sensory overloads (in my case, the latter). (i feel like) it's just a matter of time until i get physically attacked so severely as to fit the defn of physically disabled, &/or until i get sent to jail for a crime that i did not commit, &/or until i become chronically/ terminally ill as a result of the emotional turmoil that social rejection has caused. it seems that nothing that i do is good enough, & other animals get away w/doing practically anything to me, while i get bullied/ignored just for being the wierdo that their social rejection directly forced me to become. indeed, there are enough unwanted children in the world. i wish that i did not have to become one of them. not only daily, but constantly, i must put up with all of it. i'm a wounded animal, & i wish i were dead; ain't nothin' to live for.
i used to work with clients with disabilities such as down's syndrome, lou gehrig's, quadriplegia, cerebral palsy, alzheimer's, & autism.