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numerous previous rejections aimed @ me personally b/c i am a transsexual, socially awkward, b/c i do not (yet) have tertiary sex characteristics, b/c i do not have a lot of $$, or b/c i am rarely alert, have taken an irreversible toll on my resilience such that, in some ways, it would be to my advantage to completely withdraw. coming out of my shell, in this situation, has risks & drawbacks that, by far, outweigh the potential rewards. when i was younger, if i had received a good role model, psychotherapist, or emotionally aware friend, it might've been enough to dig me out of my shell. @ this pt, even that would be too little, too late, although they might help in other ways.

one of the barriers to relationships is that they involve giving the benefit of a doubt & making unjustified generalizations. however, it is not a two way street, in this situation, b/c my social awkwardness resulting from an emotionally negligent "childhood" has given other animals a blank check to treat me as if my existence is unjustified. indeed, i have read about spouses that did not realize that they married a convicted felon, until after 20 yr of marriage. on the other hand, noone knows how behavior works per se. labelling someone as "good" or "bad" @ best oversimplifies the matter. mental illnesses & brain damage could affect anyone, @ any age, regardless of $$ or iq score, or genetics. & what gets labelled as mental illness symptoms have more to do w/societal biases than health. although i tried/try to give "people" the benefit of a doubt, almost all of them, including @ least one biology & psychology professor, have totally misunderstood symptoms of my disabilities. showed that they did not gimmie the benefit of a doubt - they just assumed that just b/c they did not like or understand how i acted, i must've been trying to do wrong. but i recognize why they acted so judgmental - it sure simplified things. but why should i concern my big ugly head with rare exceptions to the rule? i am not a white, or even blue, collared professional; i am merely a social outcast. as a social outcast, i am too busy getting misunderstood/oppressed to worry about the few victims unfortunate enough to be below my status on the social totem pole. even in mechanics class, we treated every situation as frictionless, unless otherwise specified. excessive precision not necessary.

@ this pt, to feel secure in coming out of my lil autistic shell, i would want constant physical & emotional protection for the rest of my pathetic life, as well as an unbroken promise of future satisfaction. of course, that's too much to ask; noone could even promise to outlive me, much less make the guarantee stated in the previous statement. however, i have not made the assumption that many neurotypical animals have made that autism is a disadvantage/weakness in & of itself.

almost everyone that i have disclosed my autism diagnosis to acted like it was a choice, an excuse, or a defect. it seems that very few neurotypical animals have the potential to comprehend the social prowess that they have taken for granted. they treat me as inferior, just b/c they can't wrap their damn brains around the concept of an invisible disability. (of course, if they do not have the potential to understand, then it's not their fault.) i guarantee that i understand extroverts far more than they understand autists.

i hate & envy alpha males for what they take for granted - social acceptance, spouses, children, jobs, being able to use the bathrm w/out undue anxiety, not having to wear a compression vest, being able to unwind while being cool @ the same time - the list is endless. it's like they own/rule the damn world. as a result, regularly get away w/doing anything legal (&, sometimes, illegal) that they want, while i must, @ all times, be a good role model. & it's not just that i feel bitter about an unfair playing field - plenty of these alpha males (as well as other males & females)have treated me so cruelly that i wanted to mutilate myself. threats of violence, demeaning comments, judging my character, name calling, gossipping about me, talking about me in my presence as if i were not there, physical/sexual violence, blasting their cars' horns @ me in attempt to point out that they were superior b/c they had cars & i was not driving a car, laughing @ me, insisting on calling me by my female name, even after i obtained a legal name change, looking me up & down like "is that a girl or boy?". not bothering to learn how to pronounce my name. but i prefer to pick my battles, even though some of the previous shit endlessly gets on my fuckin' nerves. but this shit seems to happen so often, not to mention that a lot of it comes from strangers that i do not have occassion to interact w/on a regular basis. they don't like me b/c they don't understand me. then they treat me worse. accusations like "did you get mad?" phrase their biases perfectly - they make it sound like i have to do whatever they want, just b/c there are plenty of alpha males & only one marfan. recently, the term "bullycide" has come to usage. numerous bullies have made me wanna fuckin' shoot myself, just b/c that's the most reasonable way to prevent myself from getting victimized. learning about ape behavior might help me understand them better, (although that is not necessarily my goal). fuckin' sick of dealing w/"people" that have the world handed to them on a silver platter. even the damn teacher wouldn't lemmie move away from the students that victimized me. what was i supposed to do, install a hidden camera? & even if i did, the student could've stolen/destroyed the camera. just b/c i am/was "wierd" does not justify their victimizations.

even my emotionally negligent "parents" did not care/intervene when i got bullied mercilessly. i went for wks, sometimes mths, w/out smiling/laughing. indeed, they knew or should have known that i needed intervention. i stayed in my cardboard box for practically the whole summer going into 8th grade, forced my voice lower (til it sounded disturbing/sick/mentally ill), hunched my shoulders to hide growing breasts. i gorged myself w/food. my "parents" blamed me for getting victimized & offered no outlet whatsoever. educational neglect: "Educational neglect includes...failure to attend to a special educational need."http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=8358. autism is not a learning disorder; autism is a developmental disability - a "special education need." had i gotten the same diagnosis during elementary schl, i might qualify for govt benefits right now. in other words, i would not have to worry about where my next minimum wage job came from, nor would i have to dig my dinner out the dumpster. emotional neglect, damn them! they made me take the sat's in 7th grade, after wasting my fuckin' childhood studying. (i got 1040. the avg for 12th graders was 1012.) just like a child could be grossly overwt while malnourished @ the same time, just b/c i am not uneducated does not mean that my "parents" did not give me educational neglect. i don't know why they have not gotten sent to jail, shit.

i feel inferior/dumb, but, regardless of what i accomplished, i would still fell likewise. i could not have gotten a diagnosis before age 18 b/c i could not have legally signed the damn paperwork. so now the social svcs offered to autistics w/diagnoses after age 18 are so limited that i don't know why i bothered w/a damn diagnosis. shit - i had worked w/autistic children long before reaching 18. i'm not smart enough? that's an awkward statement; no amt of intelligence could have prevented/fixed this shit that i'm in. plenty of extroverted professionals have told me about incompetent actions that they have taken. some of them did not even realize that what they did showed that they were incompetent. for example, a bio profesor (not my own) accused me of stealing his visor. told him 2x that i did not have it. finally, i realized it was attached to his bike. i had neither touched nor expressed an interest in his damn visor. if i wanted to steal something, i would have stolen something more expensive, such as his bmw. this incident illustrated that a biology professor could get away w/basing his conclusions on biases instead of data. although social rejection has shot down my cognitive acuity, i find it hard to believe that an extrovert w/the same iq score as me would have any trouble becoming a white collar professional. i am confident that the same principle applies to their social, as well as vocational, lives - they get away w/(almost) everything, provided that they act whatever's considered cool. fuckin' pisses me off. an extrovert that got convicted of one of each felony would receive much better treatment than me. the world is closed off to me. just b/c i don't use a wheelchair does not mean that i am not disabled. further, i could not just carry around a neurotypical confidante to protect me emotionally/socially the way that the physically disabled can carry around mobility devices. if i want an autism assistive device, i have to conceive of, design, & build it myself. my whole pathetic lil existence, w/the exception of very few relationships, i have had to do all of this shit, all by myself.

i just passively hope for a diagnosis of a terminal illness that will get me out of this fuckin' misery. preferrably, a diagnosis that i become the first patient to receive. i read that about 80% of autists also meet the criteria for sensory integration disorder, a condition that results in the subject either craving much more stimuli than normal animals or frequent sensory overloads (in my case, the latter). (i feel like) it's just a matter of time until i get physically attacked so severely as to fit the defn of physically disabled, &/or until i get sent to jail for a crime that i did not commit, &/or until i become chronically/ terminally ill as a result of the emotional turmoil that social rejection has caused. it seems that nothing that i do is good enough, & other animals get away w/doing practically anything to me, while i get bullied/ignored just for being the wierdo that their social rejection has directly forced me to become.

i used to work with clients with disabilities such as autism, lou gehrig's, quadriplegia, cerebral palsy, alzheimer's. my fear of becoming so physically disabled that i could not shoot myself a 2nd time is the only reason why i have not already shot myself.

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