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marfan's syndrome
"labels disable."

date of incident: 2017-04-28 20:30
crime: fuck Claudia Lai
protection Public
in psychology, you can pretty much do whatever you want, as long as it ain't illegal. a 10th grade school psychologist condescendingly told me "the reason why middle school students bullied you was b/c they were jealous that you did better @ school than they did. and if you work hard, you can be whatever you wanna be when you grow up". okay. did her job description say that she had to recite that quote to each customer? when i worked at a campaign, my job was to make cold calls and recite a certain quote. the supervisor told me that i used too little vocal inflection and to use more. so did her supervisor tell her to memorize and practice her lines, with correct verbal and nonverbal communication, just like a professional actress? seriously? fuck claudia lai!

@ the time, i felt a bit annoyed and insulted. b/c she expected that 16 year old me would believe whatever she told me. why, b/c she was older than me? b/c she was more educated? a fucking masters degree in psychology ain't the same as a Nobel Prize in Physics, you stupid bitch!

upon closer inspection, however, i realized that her lines sounded rehearsed. so, i tried to consider it from her perspective. as hard as i could. and then asked another counselor if there could've been a really good reason, from her perspective to tell me what she told me. counselor answered negative.

b/c the thing is, that there is no medical or psychometric test that "proves" someone has a certain emotion, for example, jealousy. likewise, she had never interacted with those students. someone might not be aware of his own emotions. they might have bullied me for a lot of reasons and she had no method to know what the reason was. it was not her job to find out the reason. the reason did not matter.

furthermore, someone could be jealous of someone and express it in a lot of different ways. physical assault is one method of expression. but there was no competition. not like Nancy Kerrigan. for example, i was jealous of mister redelings, b/c that dicklette was not just academically smart, but scrawny, handsome, cisgender, neurotypical, white man. but i did not express the jealousy by hiring a stampede of junior high school rodents to "care" about him. (the dictionary definition of "care" is "to attend to".)

in natural science and engineering, you can't just pick the most favorable explanation and hold it up as the absolute truth. you have to do controlled experiments, publish it in PubMed and get peer reviewed. high school students are not the peer of school psychologists.

telling you "you can be whatever you wanna be when you grow up" is not necessarily "helping people". all other things being equal, working hard might slightly increase the chances that you can be whatever you wanna be. however, there is only one national president every 4-8 years, unless he/she gets impeached or assassinated. not everyone has the potential to do every job. nature versus nurture. not everyone can develop the academic skills to invent the iphone. not everyone can develop the speed and strength to make it to the NBA.

and telling you that quote might trick you into putting all your eggs into one basket. went to a SMART support group. specific, manageable, attainable, realistic, timeable goals. if you set your goals too high, you get discouraged when you fail. which you inevitably do, when pressured ("encouraged") to shoot for the stars. (fuck jamie adair for having the nerve to tell me that a then software engineer "encouraged" me to take community college classes so that i could apply for internships that required applicants to be students. connotation versus denotation, you little cunt! the correct word is "pressured" and "tricked" not "encouraged"). if someone graduates medical school and does not get a residency, then what? the health care system has no role for them. still can't be a medical doctor. they can't even be a nurse. likewise. put all your eggs in one basket. making sacrifices is sometimes necessary and reasonable. but some things cannot or should not be sacrificed. besides, even if you make the sacrifice, no guarantee of success. like in my stupidass case. shit. despite maniacal studying for the SAT, little or no social interaction (and almost nobody accepted me in any significant way), and bullying, i did not get a job that required any stupidass degree.

Claudia Lai was not a professional psychic or a job counselor, nor did she have the academic skills to fulfill those jobs.

likewise, that statement made it sound like i should've purposely done worse @ school, and if i did that, then junior high school rodents would not have bullied me. at least, not as much.

told that to the current counselor. she asked me, retroactively, if i would've chosen (1) purposely doing worse in school, not getting bullied, working at a job i don't want or (2) doinng better at school, getting bullied, working at a job i want.

and i answered that there are some jobs that are so hard to get, that it requires a lot of sacrifice. those professionals have to go to school for a long time. years. tuition. $$. waste energy. and they have to make other sacrifices as casualties. like not enough time to waste doing other shit, such as socializing. i get that. but for the amount of bullying those little insects did to me (and the amount of hard work i put in), quite frankly, anything less than a Masters in Mechanical Engineering just ain't fucking worth it.

you would have to ask: how much bullying, for what degree in what subject and what job? in other words, be specific.

none of the academically smart, vocationally competent STEM professionals that i have interacted with, act like they got victimized an undue amount when they were young. on the other hand, that is just my misinterpretation of their behavior. of course, i did not and could not have followed them around to see if they got bullied. b/c that ain't possible, practical or legal to follow them around. but what if they did get bullied, what if they did not get bullied, then what?


then the current counselor asked me what i would've wanted Claudia to say. which is actually a good question, b/c there is seriously something wrong with everything. maybe Claudia should've said that she was not present at the scene, and she was not telepathic. she did not know what happened, and she did not know someone else's thoughts or emotions. but Claudia could've told me that she noticed i had a lot of undiagnosed autism symptoms. Claudia could've told me to ge thee to a neuopsychiatrist for an official diagnosis. and it had to be early enough to arrange accommodations for the SAT. and it certainly had to be before age 18. b/c of the Regional Center policies.

shit fuck Jamie Adair and Claudia Lai. they acted like they did not just know me, but they knew everything
. cunts like them make me wanna fucking puke, shit.
approach: | | betray

date of incident: 2017-04-15 19:26
crime: fuck LCSW Jamie Adair, big egoed, self-important bitch
protection Public
hideoutcarl's junior
the current counselor is fucking awesome. thus far. but of course, i remain paranoid and uptight. mister redelings did not show me he was homophobic, til i came out as trans. besides, there are an infinite number of forms of prejudice. likewise, what is socially acceptable today might be labelled as bigotted tomorrow. indeed, slavery used to serve some sort of economic function. so you have to live in the present. not in the future. and sure as fuck not in the past. makes me skeptical of what precious lil "people" reject about me today, that there will be laws 10 years later, mandating the passive aggressive tolerance of. and of course, i don't know, b/c i ain't psychic. if i knew, then what? who would believe me and care? nobody. if they believed me and cared, then what? nothing, b/c they have no political power anyways. right now, i do not feel accepted, like a normal person. but, the current city is more tolerant of lgbt and the financially low class, than the previous city. so whatever. getting ignored. it doesn't get any better. laws can't tell someone to be friends with someone. and of course, with laws, come enforcement. if someone does something illegal, where i get victimized, then what? civil lawsuit or 911. other than that, what? peer pressure? with autism? shit. not many times have i ever successfully peer pressured anyone to do anything.

most recent counselor was a fucking bitch. she had the nerve to say "huh" and "what" instead of "excuse me". she interrupted me when i was talking, to squeak "what?". and that "what?" was when i said the word "dojo". she went overboard with the mandated reporter bullshit. she condescendingly told me "i know you're smart". as if her opinion is so fucking important. (Rolls eyes). she had no clue what i've gone through. even after i told her. and when i told her about the toilets, she looked thoroughly disgusted. as if she had never heard anything so gross.

the little cunt did not know the following words:
sole proprietor
percent body fat
among others

she had the nerve to tell me "i would never tell someone they're stupid". "would never"? under gunpoint? in a theatrical production? the stupid bitch thought she "knew" much more than she knew. besides, why the hell does it matter what she says?

likewise, the little bitch had the nerve to tell me that i was "important". yeah, to whom, my dumbfuck self? a cockroach is important to itself. that does not make the cockroach important. she acted like she was much more important than she was. besides, how the hell can everyone be "important"? what is the definition of "important" anyways. 8 billion precious lil "people" in the solar system could not all be "important. if a professor passes out a syllabus, and puts 8 billion assignments on it, if all the assignments are "important", then none of them are important. that moronic little cunt Jamie had the nerve to tell me that i thought i was worthless b/c i did not have a job. cause and effect. wrong again, BITCH. everyone is worthless. not just the unemployed. besides, what about those retards that work as licensed clinical social workers, huh? the ones that flap their traps, and they act like they can do no wrong. in structural engineering and accounting, there are methods of getting from the question to the answer, & everything gets written down.

not negligible? obviously we are using different definitions. and the stupid bitch was so fucking arrogant too. like i just had to believe everything she told me. they were just her stupid opinions. who gives a rat's ass, shit?

fuck Jamie Adair!
2 misunderstanding(s) | approach: | | betray

date of incident: 2017-03-31 19:27
crime: pugil sticks, amtguard
protection Public
hideoutroyal grounds coffee
"My reply, in turn, would be to ask our beloved mayor if he truly believes it's possible to know the soul of any man. Because I have my doubts, people. A man's entire being is an impenetrable mask (and don't even get me started on women), with as many layers as an enormous onion. You can peel away one, two, even twenty layers, but always another layer is waiting below the surface, hungry for its turn in the sun. Some of those layers are wicked, some noble, but most of them just want to watch TV and drink beer." - " The Firebug of Balrog County".

this is why i feel like i can't trust precious little "people". if you interact with someone, all you know is what happened in that situation. sometimes you do not even know that. when i told someone that i had a crush on the solid mechanics teaching assistant, she told me that he was "a good person". but if you know someone's occupation, that is all you know. you cannot correctly assume that just b/c someone is academically smart, they must be morally good.

mister redelings.

ted bundy, james holmes, ted kaczinski, all had high IQ scores.

my precious little "parents" royally fucked me over. they left me "beyond repair" and "too far gone". plenty of idiots go around acting like they are smart and important. but they are just fucking full of themselves. it would be different, if everyone's parents treated them the way mine did. (standard of reference).

but it ain't.

they treated me like i had to be perfect all the time. perfect according to precious little "most people's" standards.

(rolls eyes)
approach: | | betray

date of incident: 2017-03-18 19:14
crime: giving up
protection Public
hideoutpicklewood park toilet
psychotic phasemellowmellow
it takes too much effort to find someone to interact with. the older i get the more things and precious lil "people" i fear and hate.

job corps, too old to join
military, autism specifically 4f'ed
grad school, nothing i am good @. nothing i want to do. student loan default
peace corps, 2 year only, some countries contain more racism/sexism/homophobia/rape
americorps, 1 year only, summer sessions 9 weeks. then what?

seriously maybe i ought to just make a voluntary choice to just do nothing.

besides, whatever programs there are, the marketing only shows the pros. the purpose of the marketing is for someone to earn $$. it's not possible to know what it's like, w/out going. & if going, then it's a commitment that takes a lot of time and energy to undue. for ex, military.

besides i ain't emotionally ready to make drastic changes. although change occurs sooner or later. and choosing to change sometimes serves a necessary function.

throwing out the baby along w/the bathwater.
approach: | | betray

date of incident: 2017-02-27 19:13
crime: Boy Scouts
protection Public
hideoutTender Greens' bathroom
in the news, just this year, an 8 year old FTM won the right to join the homophobic Boy Scouts. likewise, a 17 year old FTM won a wrestling tournament as a 110 pound girl.

in a way, it is good, in that the public knows more about transsexuals. more exposure leads to fewer misconceptions. (fuck mister redelings, casey whitsett, amy shyu, for telling me it was "lying" for me to ask them to call me "he" instead of "she").

also, it is also good that outdated policies that only took cisgender children into account, get updated. (fine).

however, my primary emotional reaction: annoyance. secondary: jealousy.

my precious lil "parents" did not send me to Boy or Girl Scouts. what is that, "parental discrimination"? "financial discrimination"? nobody, cisgender or otherwise, has a legal right to join Boy Scouts.

likewise what has gotten on my nerves for a longfuck time was how some morons call adult females "girls" and adult males "guys" or "men". it is either boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, or men and women. thus far, there ain't no linguistic feminine equivalent of "guy". "gal" don't cut it. it's like adult males are so fucking cool they do not have to get called "boys". shit sometimes junior high school males don't like getting called "boys". while females. shit.

but i do not feel comfortable telling idiots that. b/c i feel ashamed that i am so insecure, that something like that sort of terminology (it's just slang), i find insulting. moreover, highly doubt anyone would change, just for me. besides, what if they did, then what? what's so great about that? answer: nothing.

besides, you do not know what kind of mental illnesses or criminal background someone has. anyone could do anything for any reason or no reason, without announcement.

compromise: except for functional purposes, i usually avoid almost everyone.

approach: | | betray

date of incident: 2017-02-17 20:34
crime: uppity extroverts = negative extroverts = slobbering chatterbox bozos
protection Public
hideoutbuy buy baby's men's toilet
seriously those ass holes do not deserve to live.

"may i help you?" "are you ok?" "do you have a question?"

like they are so fucking innocent. if you have a question, they have an answer.

"may i help you" is better than "may i hurt you". but that is not how they treat their "awesome friends".(mister "we care about you") likewise, some jobs require employees to say "may i help you," but that is not all jobs. and when someone is not at work they do not have to say that stupid bullshit.

"you got a head problem? want me to help fix it for you?", some idiot on the bus had the nerve to tell me. then after he told me, he told the other streettrash he was talking on the phone to. (rolls eyes). (reference to 10/2012 entry). too much eye contact and that's what you get. too little eye contact and that's what you get.

there is no correct amount of eye contact. there is only the amount expected and demanded by extroverts with egos too large to fit the fucking planet.

almost nobody i have ever interacted with is worth the energy it takes to interact with them. shit. they all think they are the greatest thing in the world.

they're just overgrown monkeys.

extroverts. when i think of them, i think of an extrovert's head on a dobermann's body.

extroverts are just like dogs, in that whenever they think a thought or feel an emotion, they bark. they act like they are so fucking important. when it turns out they were wrong, nothing happens. when it turns out they were right, their stupidass owners ("companions") treat them like fucking heroes.

some precious lil "people" treat their dogs as more important than humans. (me). even my stupidass former "friends" let their dogs off leash around me.

shit it would just take an entire longfuck written contract. what to do and what not to do. otherwise lil bitches and ass holes truly believe they are morally entitled to do whatever the fuck they want around me. just like they do whatever the fuck they want when i am not around.

with few exceptions, fuck all extroverts i have ever interacted wtih.
approach: | | betray

date of incident: 2017-01-31 19:20
crime: exhaustion
protection Public
hideoutoffice depot's toilet
feel fucking exhausted

too tired to even talk a lot of the time

on the other hand, nothing seems to matter enough to justify wasting calories


september 12, 2016, most recent menstrual cycle
approach: | | betray

date of incident: 2017-01-20 19:59
crime: (no subject)
protection Public
hideoutrite aid bathroom
now that Trump is president, paranoid about homophobic laws that Trump discussed.

grateful where i live now is much less homophobic and much more democratic than where i lived in undergrad.


a stampede of wild teenagers were cariacaturizing my gait (walk). made me uptight, wondering which other dicklets see me the way they did. likewise they just saw me when i walked past. they did not even interact with me. (rolls eyes). shit. feel so fucking ashamed and shit. like there's something wrong with me.


as stopped up as usual. @ least 3x this year alone, took over 2 hours feces. strained.

"they take hours to shit! if you can't shit, get off!", some idiot from Food Maxx barked @ me. he slammed the door of the other stall. @ least four of them were waiting for me in the doorway. the mens bathroom contained 2 toilets and 1 urinal. @ the time those rat bastards knocked me out, the other toilet was empty.

that is so fucking inconvenient.
4 misunderstanding(s) | approach: | | betray

date of incident: 2016-12-31 19:24
crime: addicted to Kit Kat
protection Public
hideoutmountain mike's pizza's toilet
psychotic phaseresignation
comfort zone contracting, instead of expanding

stuck in "trust vs mistrust" stage, due (partially) to the homophobic ass holes. after the lgbt laws got passed, the ass holes went Absent WithOut Leave and Missing In Action

quite frankly, do not feel like any of the dumbfuck "friends" that had the nerve to dump my worthless corpse, in the distant past, were worth that much energy in the first place.

even if the interaction were to have continued for the rest of their lives, then what?

it don't matter.

almost everyone i have ever interacted with, regardless of extrovert/introvert, political party, religion, socioeconomic class, education level, body type, sex, gender, race, occupation, or anything else, almost constantly acts:

morally innocent
academically smart
worldly wise
socially awesome


(rolls eyes)

approach: | | betray

date of incident: 2016-12-16 19:26
crime: chemotherapy
protection Public
hideoutlibrary bathroom
psychotic phasegroggygroggy
labelannoyance, apathy, colorectal cancer, gorging, grudge, jealousy, laziness, left out, symptoms
got sick for the second time in four fucking weeks. the symptoms are not that bad. what gets on my nerves is comments from precious lil "people". extroverted ass holes.

primary caregiver for a stage four colon cancer patient on chemotherapy. read plenty of books about it. paranoid about the future.

makes me even more socially withdrawn than usual. shit.


nothing could make my stupidass "life" better. this is "As Good As it Gets". shit. (rolls eyes)

quite frankly i don't get the point of "life". maybe there is none and precious lil "people" are wrong for acting like there is one.

some ass holes' egos know no bounds shit


spring quarter, sophomore year undergrad, gained 15# in 10 weeks, gorging. menstrual cycle came 20, 20, and 19 days. short as fuck. out of fucking control. pants buttons falling off. fucking miserable.

looked @ mister redelings as role model, b/c he had the degree that i wanted. however, i failed to take into account that mister redelings is a neurotypical, cisgender, scrawny, handsome white man. even if i were to have gotten the same degree as him, it does not follow i would've gotten the same job.

one prospective employer told me that they have a lot of applications so they pick someone they are comfortable with and stick to it.

they could be "comfortable" around only people that are just like them: neuotypical, cisgender, white. and that still does not violate EEOC

hey mister redelings: fuck you!!!!!!!!!!

i trusted you when i came out to you.

not only did you violate my trust, but you had the nerve to accuse me of "lying". then when it turns out i was right, or @ least you were wrong, i don't even get a flimsy lil "i'm sorry sir".

a neutral third party should make him pay for my breast reduction surgery. apologize the fuck up. make him do 1000 community service hours @ a lgbt youth center, without social interaction. he can balance the books, be the janitor, do manual labor.

not only did he not waste as much energy telling me he was wrong, as he wrongfully wasted telling me i was wrong.

but he did not waste any energy telling me he was wrong, altogether.


a male to female transsexual from the bipolar support group claimed to have a computer science bachelors degree and still homeless.

a black dude from the autism support group claimed to have a masters in computer science. and saw him eating @ the soup kitchen.

and besides, a college chick said she would rather have a math instructor named jim than hans. and another chick agreed with her. (racism).

sometimes a class is only offered once a year, by one instructor. (fine). the rest of the time the students choose, based on any criteria.

on the other hand, what difference does it make? citizens choose presidential candidates, not necessarily based on job skills. but a voter can vote for the candidate based on race, sex, political party, or anything.


it's wierd b/c the 10th grade school psychologist had the nerve to tell me that the middle school customers bullied me b/c they were jealous i did better in school than them, & "if you work hard you can be whatever you wanna be when you grow up".

fuck that stupid bitch.

school is a business.

some dude told me he was a software engineer for 17 years. his whole division got laid off. then he went to trader joes to work one year. after that sylvan learning center. math tutor. 15 fucking dollars an hour. shit.

when i was on academic probation, went to a required seminar. the woman in charge said that you have to get a degree so you don't end up working @ the supermarket.

the software engineer, i am sure, was much smarter than that woman.

hey, ass holes!

college is a business! college earns money! college is under no obligation to only provide majors that lead to degrees. english? psychology? critical gender studies? linguistics? shit.

the whole notion of college is for everyone taken way too fucking far shit.


so maybe i should not have stressed out altogether just b/c i flunked out structural engineering. b/c even if i were to have gotten that degree then what? plenty of cisgender neurtypical applicants have the same degree. if an employer does not feel "comfortable" around me (and EEOC gender identity was not til 7 years after i would've gotten a structural engineering degree, if it took 4 years).

fuck mister redelings!!!!!!!!
approach: | | betray