everything seems meaningless. everyone seems stupid including myself.
"the meaning of life is helping people!", the homophobic ass hole civil engineer over 10 years ago 500 miles away had the nerve to tell me.
mussolini was "helping" hitler. be more specific.
some ass holes truly believe everything is completely good or bad. and they had dr spock parents that treated them like special snowflakes. and there are a lot of ass holes like them (extroverted judmental chatterboxes). so they assume everything and everyone different from them is not just morally inferior, but not even a "person".
seriously mister redelings took an immediate, profound, and permanenet toll on my already dwindling emotional resilience
now i feel like i can't trust (seemingly) nice, skinny, handsome, academically smart precious lil "people" b/c one of them (@ least one) betrayed my trust
like a smack across the face
seriously, fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
shit sometimes i feel like i have to write a social interaction contract with ass holes. otherwise they will just act like they have a moral right to fuck with me.
and put some consequences in there too shit.
i do NOT want to hear one more "what?", "huh", "people do it all the time", "i don't like it", "why?".
seriously ASS HOLES. you should not be micromanaging me any more than vice versa.
when i say something they do not like they say "why". (why should i have to justify it to your satisfaction, who the fuck do you think you are?). ex. aikido instructor's sidekick and other bitches had the nerve to ask "why are you smiling?". why are you asking? do i need your consent every single time? and then when i was not smiling, extroverted self-important ass holes have the nerve to tell me "smile". they have the nerve to tell me "you look like a girl" and "you look like a boy". "you sound like a girl" or "you sound like a boy." "are you a girl or boy?". (rolls eyes). they ask "why" as if to pretend to be receptive, then to veto the reason, as if there were a reason they would accept. how about i ask chatterbox extroverted republicans "why" they refer to themselves as "most people". or "why" they ask "why" about every single fucking thing. FUCK YOU!!!!!!
when i say something they like they say "ok" (giving permission)
"you need to let it go
you need to let it go"
- "no", by Jessica lovelace
quite frankly, it never ceases to amaze me how judgmental ass hole extroverts act like they have a moral duty to publicly announce ever last thought and emotion they have. granted, I am much less articulate than them. (fine). even the learning disabled, mentally ill, developmentally disabled, ESL, brain damaged, high school dropouts, and young children talk a lot more, a lot better, and a lot faster than me. (fine).
but seriously, what the flying fuck? ain't there a better method of wasting all those calories and IQ points than by flapping their stupidass traps?
example: aikido sidekick told class to drink water. stupidass uchi deshi long haired BOY had the nerve to ask me "you're not drinking water?". answered "3 liters".
stupidass BOY had the nerve to ask "what?"
okay, ASS HOLES. if you rightly or wrongly think I am bothering you, then maybe you are justified in having the nerve to say "huh" or "what" to me. (fine). but since YOU approached ME, I do not think that I was bothering you. got that, DICKHEAD?
this DICKHEAD had the nerve to tell me "you need to bow out."
maybe the dickhead's parents treated him like a special snowflake and shit.
seriously why do ass holes act so: impatient, self-important, cute, funny, wise, smart, socially cool, and judgmental and extroverted?
likewise saying something is "good" or "cool" or anything like that is just as judgmental as saying it is bad. saying it is good implies that the speaker has a moral right to judge. and that the speaker's opinion is important. which thus maybe follows that the speaker himself/herself is so fucking important. shit
seriously, shit like this makes me feel like Avoidant Personality Disorder, autistic, anthropophobic, misanthropic.
"and according to new studies in that same world of psychiatry, that has taught us to rehash our every nightmare, those of us who minimize, repress, or consciously forget certain hurts may be better off."
- whatever, mom
last week, sat on a bench eating. a stranger asked me "are you homeless?". i did not want to make a big deal by correctly telling her it's "none of your business", but i also did not wanna talk to her. so she asked again. fine. answered. then she asked all kinds of questions like where do you live. answered. (city only). she looked surprised and told me that "most asians live in chinatown". (rolls eyes). well, i ain't "most asians". if something so small could make someone that surprised, imagine how she would've responded to larger shit. then she asked how old i was. answered. bitch had the nerve to tell me "you look 18". then she asked another stranger how old i look, & he answered "16". bitch then proceeded to tell me that it was "a compliment" b/c when you get old you look younger than your age. but i have not always looked younger than my age. that only started with my first buzz cut @ age 20. before that, strangers told me that i looked about my age. furthermore, the way i look to her is not necessarily the way i look to everyone. two people could look at the same thing and "see" different things, even without taking judgments per se into account, a priori. likewise, what if a bus runs me over tomorrow? then i will not have lived long enough, to benefit from looking younger than my chronological age. furthermore, what about all the drawbacks of looking younger than my age? like precious lil "people" treat me like you're so cute. there is no objective, inherent list of values and priorities.
but that reminded me of the time in 9th grade when i made the mistake of asking a classmate what time basketball practice ended. "none of your business!", the bitch correctly enlightened me. but it is hard to build rapport if you avoid everything that is none of your business. likewise plenty of entitled ass holes have had the nerve to ask me all sorts of bullshit that were correspondingly none of their business. but i did not have the nerve to bark "none of your business" to them. (although maybe i should have). b/c i wrongfully feel morally obliged, to be a good role model and all that stupid bullshit. but wait a minute? maybe i do not have the authority much less the skill to be a good role model. furthermore, what if i were to have come up with the world's greatest response? what's so great about that? and what if i were to have come up with the world's worst response? then what's so bad about that? shit. quite frankly i feel like nothing i do matters in a nonnegligble fashion. having said that you constantly have to be doing something. like even if you are just lying on the ground, you are doing something, in that you are lying on the ground.
and then the "are you homeless" bitch asked if i had ever gone to jail. answered. she asked what kind of work i do. answered. "you're a good kid", she told me. but you should not and cannot judge someone's morality based on a 15 minute conversation. moreover, uc berkeley said that its youngest professor was the Unabomer. likewise Ted Bundy allegedly had a 160 IQ score. and et cetera. academic intelligence is a job skill, not a moral quality. if someone is smart at math, that does not follow someone is morally a good person. any more than someone with a 500 pound bench press must be a good person b/c he is athletically superior to me.
but when i was an undergrad the first time i made the mistake of confusing academic intelligence with moral qualities. and then i trusted homophopbic ass holes just b/c they were academically smart. shit.
in some situations, for some practical purposes, it is necessary to trust someone for some reason. (fine). and judgment serves a function.
but it is not possible or legal to follow someone around his whole life. any interaction you have with someone is by definition just a sample.
a woman said she had her first manic episode when she was 65 years old. during that time her personality drastically altered.
the impression i get is that precious lil "most people" act with cognitive dissonance. in that they truly believe everything is either completely good or completely bad. and they could not live with themselves if they believed themselves as bad. so they just label themselves as good and ignore or dismiss their numerous flaws. and then they see a lot of precious lil "people" that look and act just like them (think "pochahontas). and assume that they are also perfect. then they see someone different from them. like me. and assume i must be bad b/c i am not similar to them in the ways they identify themselves.
seriously. shit. (rolls eyes). ass holes of the extremely academically smart variety are not exempt from this type of thinking error.
thus, maybe it is physically impossible to distinguish a "good person" from a bad one.
so i get even more avoidant personality disorder, autistic, anthropophobic, and misantrhorpic than usual.
and i did not think that was possible. shit.
sunday outside a grocery store a busker came and played trumpet. within several minutes he got @ least a couple dollars. tuesday a busker came outside a different grocery store and played viola. income likewise.
in 9th grade i wanted to play trombone and did for 2 weeks preseason. then school started and i took japanese instead. now i feel old, and i have yet accomplished jack shit.
considering busking professionally. sure, i do not know how to play in key. but the audience usually does not notice, know, or care. and usually they are on their way to or from something. so what the flying fuck ever shit.
trombone lessons cost a lot of $$. then there's the trombone cost, the maintenance cost, dragging it around, practicing.
what i wanna do is take professional acting lessons. but that costs a lot of $$ either. can't find free lessons.
judgmental extroverts get on my fucking nerves.
appetite gone haywire.
despite waking up between 5 and 6am regularly and drinking 5+ daily liters of water, still wanna eat everything. shit.
even when things are going as well as reasonably expected, still feel like gorging
ate too much last night. but not out of control.
mangos delicious and satisfying. craving epicurean tofu, curry, and sushi.
aikido instructor's dumbfuck sidekick had the nerve to tell me that i have to wear a suit from now on or not go. but that's only when the sidekick is teaching and that is only about once every other week. (rolls eyes).
sidekick told me the head bitch (the sole proprietor, who had the nerve to ask why i was leaving before bow out 2 years ago, and i still hold a grudge against), does not want nobody wearing standard clothes while in the building.
okay, what the flying fuck? perfect character, or perfectly arrogant? shit.
and that's after i explained sensory processing dysfunction. quite frankly i do not feel like i should have to explain any more. usually when someone asks "why" it is not curiosity, but b/c their ego is so fucking humungous that they truly believe they have a moral entitlement to make you explain something to their satisfaction. if not then they can veto it.
fuck them all!!!!!
" And, darling, try not to think of it. Try to be cheerful."
- the railway children
last Thursday, the news stated the pentagon lifted the military's ban on transsexuals.
upon closer inspection, I am too old to join any branch, as an officer. as enlisted, I am too old to join everything except the army and navy. looked up the methods of Entry Level Separation and Dishonorable Discharge. granted, in every job there are many things not specified to outsiders. however, based on what I have read, it does not look like it is nearly as easy to get involuntarily discharged from a military job than a civilian job ("at will" states, such as the one I live in).
it does mention someone could get an involuntary discharge for failing training. (like what allegedly happened in my most recent job.) however, there is no method of finding out the difficulty of training. likewise, according to other sources, Advanced Individual Training for Combat Engineer (enlisted) takes only 14 weeks; for Financial Management School (enlisted) takes likewise only 10 weeks. the jobs have ASVAB score quotas.
Arithmetic Reasoning (20 questions) no problem
Auto and Shop Information (15 questions) totally clueless
Electronics Information (15 questions) nearly totally clueless
General Science (15 questions) maybe problem
Mathematics Knowledge (20 questions) no problem
Mechanical Comprehension (15 questions) no problem
Paragraph Comprehension (15 questions) no problem
Word Knowledge (20 questions) no problem
but even with the 3 hard(er) sections, there's nothing about demonstrating auto shop per se. everything is multiple choice, on paper (or computer). so it is all still theory. feel confident I could study enough to qualify for Combat Engineer, without undue difficulty.
but then there's autism, clinical depression.
likewise, I am quite the misanthrope. totally obsessed with precious lil "people"....
the older I get the more things get on my nerves. and those things are what precious lil "most people" do oftenly.
oh well. my dignity has been gone for a long time. seriously doubt any job in the world, civilian or military will get my dignity back. although plenty of jobs could reduce dignity.
and granted I am totally bored with everyday "life". no $$, car, job, job skills, precious lil "friends", "family". do not even have hobbies or desire to continue living. but what the flying fuck. maybe that would stay the same in the military.
lately, feel so fucking ashamed. not just lately. (rolls eyes). in the phone book, e-mailed everything listed under "accounting", within public transportation distance of my jail cell. begged for volunteer work. three answered. one told me it will get back to me later. one scheduled an interview for next week. one scheduled an interview for last week.
the interviewer asked numerous questions about accounting. based on my classes and work history, i get the impression that i should have known the answers. but as usual i did not. kind of hard to guess how reasonable the questions were. but whatever. with the exception of one accounting temp agency, that was the first time an interviewer grilled me about accounting. other interviewers, @ most, have asked for definitions. example: encumbrance, tax shelter annuity, pivot table, vba macro, v lookup. the job that fired me earlier this month gave me a written test, but it was just arithmetic.
shit. not only am i not worth minimum wage, but according to that interviewer, i was not even worth $0. not worth the inconvenience of having around and shit. (rolls eyes)
every day so far this year, drank 5-7 liters water. 2.2 liters recommended for someone my sex, age, height and weight. 15 liters fluid intoxication. thus far it made me feel like i was already bloated after an entire day's worth of cheap shit. but still wanna gorge.
clif bars, ice cream, chocolate, peanut butter, lasagna, hash browns
tired of doing the same fucking things over and over every damn day. "life" going nowhere. despite (or maybe b/c of) my efforts, i do not know how to do anything a high school grad also could not do. shit. paranoid about $$.
precious lil "people" get on my fucking nerves.
i do not want or need a constant commentary about evyerhting i do or say. stupidass aikido idiots kept saying shit like "nice, nice" and "what kind of wrist grab is that?". seriously, ass holes? they act like they truly believe everything taht goes through their brain must come out their trap within 10 seconds lest the sky fall down.
seriously almost everyone i have ever interacted with has way too much self esteem shit.
they act like they are so fucking awesome, wise, cute, funny, smart, important, morally innocent.
so if anyone ever has the nerve to try to defend anything he/she does by saying "people do it all the time," i say precious lil "most people" do not call themselves my "friends." that's kind like implying that i am not a person b/c i do not do "it" all the time. (Rolls eyes). and that they are fucking perfect or @ least awesome and good enough. while they act like they can demand a "why" every time i do the slightest thing they do not like.
fuck those extroverted big mouthed self important ass holes!
"People! They are so annoying, yammering away with their opinions and feelings and anecdotes and advice."
- truth is fragmentary
the first day, the boss's son trained me. he told me not to worry, b/c someone will check my work. then he told me that I was the fastest he had ever seen. 2nd day, a woman trained me. she told me in a frustrated manner, to take notes. but I did not pick up anything drastic. 3rd day another woman trained me. she told me "take your time". woman number 2 told woman number 1 to train me. in Cantonese woman number 1 answered that she did not have to.
then @ the end of the day the boss called me into her office and told me that the women (or the woman?) told her that I was "learning too slowly" and "you can't make mistakes b/c you are dealing w/people's money". the boss told me that they did not have enough money to hire someone to sit next to me the whole time.
and like that, I was out the door, permanently.
fuck that stupid bitch.
bitch did not tell me to do 50 files per hour, at a 90% success rate. bitch did not show me a computer printout of my alleged inadequate performance. (Integrated Accounting will tell you what percent you got correct, and highlight the errors. C++ will tell you the total number of errors, core dump, or bus error.)
on the other hand I felt like I was working as quickly and accurately as I could. maybe if she were to have told me how fast to work, then I would've gotten more anxious and made more mistakes.
it did not surprise me that bitch fired me. b/c during the interview she totally was a control freak. "why are you smiling?". (why should I have to explain every last thing to you?) "what did you just write down?" answer: vlookup. she said vlookup so I took notes. but she acted like there was something suspicious going on such that I could not even take notes. then she had the nerve to tell me that she wanted to make sure that I did not have a learning disability. but it takes an educational psychologist to administer an IQ test according to protocol. takes over 5 hours and over 500 dollars. she did not have the IQ test or the degree. having said that, I am curious to know my IQ score and what kind of diagnoses I fulfill the criteria for. but it does not make sense to waste all that money on an IQ test when I anticipate later becoming homeless. likewise, the social service agency that addresses the developmentally disabled only does clients that got diagnosed before age 18. and it's too late for school test accommodations.
what a stupid bitch. she really acted like she was absolutely important, omnipotent, fucking awesome, morally innocent, perfect, and all that stupid bullshit. she did not even know what a learning disability is.
what did surprise me however was that she fired me for "learning too slowly". b/c she already told me in the interview that I "can't function". she implied that I could not take public transportation from jail to work. then she told me that I was "talking slowly" on the answering machine.
so I inferred that her expectations were not that high otherwise she would not have hired me.
it also surprised me how she did not micromanage me. only when I approach her did she gimmie work. it was not clear what if anything I should have been doing every second, unlike all the other jobs I have worked @.
although it also makes me wonder if the woman (women?) really told her I was "learning too slowly" or she just used that as an excuse. likewise maybe the woman (women?) did not think I was learning too slowly but told her such, b/c they wanted to get rid of me b/c they did not like me b/c I did not look, think and act like them.
in any event, all that shit from business 56: human relations? gone out the fucking window. what is this, k-12? there was no performance review, any more than a grading rubric.
the business 56 instructor said that when she was working @ bank of America she said "good morning" to everyone except one woman. she said "hi" to that woman. and the woman told her that she showed bias by saying hi instead of good morning. so then from then on the instructor said good morning to everyone, starting with the woman.
the same instructor said that when she told an employee to do something the employee stabbed a voodoo doll. instructor went to HR. HR laughed. instructor got her own voodoo doll.
shit it was like they were playing games.
apparently some precious lil "people" get away with a lot and not only do not get fired but HR is on their side.
and it is certainly not the case that all the other accountants that were dealing with "people's money" got fired as soon as they "made mistakes". how many? 2? 1?
likewise the bitch told me not to wear "dirty" "droopy" "jeans" but those were trousers not jeans. bitch needs glasses. her son was wearing blue jeans and a tshirt.
makes me paranoid b/c bitch had the nerve to tell me that I was "learning too slowly" but every job involves learning (even if it is just learning office politics and company culture) so that makes it sound like I can't work @ any job. likewise "can't function" is so fucking vague it makes it sound like I can't continue living or otherwise do anything whatsoever.
she was not specific enough. during the interview she told me that I wrote down vlookups so that I could study vlookups before work, and that there was nothing that I could study to prepare for work. likewise I could not have studied the company software before working b/c I did not have an ID. and only that company uses the company software.
shit this is not the first time I got fired from a job, not the highest paying job I got fired from, not the first full time job I got fired from , not the first accounting job I got fired from.
the number of jobs that I did not get fired from almost exceeds the number of jobs I got fired from.
the proverbial "learning experience".
|impatient, self-important, entitled, "holier than thou" precious lil "people" get on fucking nerves
|annoyance, apathy, autism, broke, double standards, dwelling on the past, emotional disturbance(s), extremes, failure, fuckin' bitch, gorging, grudge, imposition, inferiority, intimidation, job hunt, job hunting, left out, logic, loserdom, misunderstood, rejection, thwarted, what the fuck, wisdom|http://ask-me-anything.livejournal.com/39977587.html
this semester drank 5 liters water daily. exception: Friday, Saturday, and today drank six liters daily. sunday drank 7 waters daily. articles claim 15 liters causes fluid intoxication.
so fucking stressed, pressured, guilty, ashamed, stupid, hateful, angry, annoyed, jealous, left out and et cetera. today was memorial day. public holiday. so felt more left out than usual. b/c more things closed than usual. could not go to career center, library, or school. and more precious lil "people" did not have to work. so felt more left out than usual.
likewise, article, referenced above. (rolls eyes).
shit I never get used to this. none of those ass holes gives a rat's ass about me. almost everyone ignores me usually. the ones that do not act pretty disrespectful. however disrespect is not a crime, and the vast majority of the time the only good reason that I failed to ignore their disrespect was b/c I am too pathetic to do anything else. maybe I ought to be grateful they do not exterminate me. shit.
there are not many things I wanna do besides go toilet hopping. the older I get the more things annoy me about precious lil "people". like why and how they are so fucking judgmental and entitled. and some of those things are pretty standard behavior. and they are annoying me more and more. quite frankly I would rather not interact with someone I should not have interacted with; than to interact with someone I should not have interacted with.
"i cannot forgive her."
"he was too arrogant, too self assured."
- two across
b/c those stupidass holes that royally fucked me over did not even have to apologize, much less make it up to me with as much energy as they wasted fucking me over with in the first place. shit. so it makes me scared and intimidated to approach or bother precious lil "people". no level playing field. no two way street.
shit I never get nearly enough apologies that I deserve shit.
regret having fallen for a job scam with union payroll solution. applied for the role of "payroll clark". the job description looked perfectly normal. (fine). got a response telling me to answer some questions: name, age, gender, address, e-mail, conceptual questions. nobody asked for social security number, but if she were to have asked then i would have given it to her. shit. (rolls eyes). then she told me that she would mail me a check that i was to deposit in my account, and then do something. but i read that and did not think twice about it. (failure to practice reading comprehension). then she mailed it to me and e-mailed me as much. so i e-mailed that i was not interested any more. and she answered "now that you have the check you're not interested? what kind of game is this?". (rolls eyes)
based on what i have read about identity theft, i do not think that i gave them (her) enough info for identity theft. but of course, she (they) is/are much better at identity theft than me, and i often make factually wrong statements. granted, i mailed the check back, with a tracking number and insurance. but paranoid about what if she/they tell me they did not get the check back? legally, what could they do? illegally, what could they do? b/c i sure as fuck ain't got enough IQ points to outsmart precious lil "people", & i ain't got enough cash to hire someone that does.
which makes me paranoid about what else have ass holes cheated me with? not job scams per se. not involving jobs and not necessarily involving money, much less large sums of it. but when has someone told me wrong information and successfully tricked me into doing something that i otherwise would not have done? certainly there were so many times that i don't even wanna think about it.
however, i was not the only victim. a book claimed that a man was married to 2 women @ the same time for several years. one woman was a clinical psychologist. neither one suspected anything until the dry cleaning got mixed up. thus, if a clinical psychologist can get tricked, for the purpose of marriage, how much easier can i, a fucking autistic PERSON (yes, anthony the great and david the homophobic civil engineer, i am a PERSON) get tricked?
hence off to the "trust versus mistrust" eric erikson's stage i go, like a toddler sent to time out. except that, unlike time out, once i went, someone seemed to have forgotten about me. shit i've been in that stage since david the homophobic civil engineer. (rolls eyes). that gets on my fucking nerves. when precious lil "people" thought i did something "wrong" they acted like they were the plaintiff and judge while i was just the defendant. and i had to successfully defend myself to their satisfaction. not only that but even if i were to have successfully defended myself to their satisfaction, nothing prevented them from firing the next accusation.
likewise, racism, sexism, and homophobia are only three forms of prejudice. someone could have an unlimited number of prejudices against me, and sometimes i do not find out until it is too late. i am neither psychic nor telepathic. shit i am not even normal or smart. (rolls eyes). someone himself might not even be aware of his prejudices. like when i walk past a stampede of homeless blacks my pulse races like i am scared they might exterminate me. (fine). but they have not done so yet, otherwise i would already have been dead. furthermore, i wonder if maybe there are some precious lil "people" (like david the homophobic civil engineer) that i should have been "uncomfortable" around, but i was not uncomfortable around. shit that fucking bigoted ass hole looked so honest, professional, competent, mature,and other forms of bullshit. but there was no swastika on his house. nothing that indicated that he was anything less than perfect. shit. and when i turned out that i was before the times, in that it was not "lying" for me to ask that homophobic ass hole to call me "he" instead of "she", then what? scrawny lil dickhead did not even have to tell me "i'm sorry". no reparations. no consolation prize. no concession. in court, wrongful accusation is a really big deal. but this was not in court. likewise all the other stupid ass holes. the dickhead should've been forced by a neutral third party to waste as much energy telling me he was wrong, as he wasted wrongfully telling me that i was "lying". the dickhead should have gotten forced to pay for my mastectomy, or @ least, room and board. but, no. and all those homophobes that had the nerve to gimmie a hard time about my clothes, hairstyle, and (ahem!) voice? shit they should get ordered to get on their fucking knees and beg for my forgiveness. then pay me financially. fuck those stupid ass holes.
hence, the Fat Man gets the impression that precious lil "people" can hrrt him, without awareness and intention. precious lil "people" can hrrt him immediately, permanently, and profoundly. granted, they have helped him, in the past. however, the help has to be doing specific actions, not vague methods with no clear beginning and ending points. while that does not refer to all precious lil "people" @ all times (certainly almost everyone would rather ignore the Fat Man altogether, thank Buddha, Allah, Krishna, and God), it does refer to enough precious lil "people" such that it ain't practical to just ignore them and passive aggressively wish for them to go away.
shit sometimes in the middle of the night (or even during the day) get this intense heartache sensation. like how it physically felt to get left out thoughout school and et cetera. and the way those ass holes had the nerve to treat me. shit i never get over it.
"When partners or friends (sometimes entire families) share the same bad habit, they may find themselves in a dance of delusion. Each ignores the other's transgressions because doing so supports his or her own."
- changing old habits for good
shit the world contains more convicted rapists than nobel prize winners in physics. but it does not necessarily follow that the activity with more participants is more morally justified.
last night, as well as way too many times recently, gorged. sweet potatoes, dried sweet potatoes, chocolate, cheese, noodles, chicken, yogurt. past couple weeks drank five liters water daily and 1 iron pill. that made me feel more full than usual. which was good but did not eliminate gorging altogether. felt frazzled, stressed, pressured, edgy, ashamed, stupid, guilty, worthless. thought there was a test yesterday. studied on the bus and toilet. turns out as usual I was wrong. shit. not that it mattered functionally.
applying for internships and jobs in accounting. but almost none of the require an associates in accounting and nothing more and nothing less. so many acquaintences that majored in engineering no longer work in that field. if a software engineer is doing yard work as his primary source of income, then I feel like why bother? b/c the software engineer is so much more useful than me. but then if I do nothing I feel guilty. shit.
likewise no $$. seems like everything costs $$. not that I want a lot of things but more just having the option. not feeling deprived.
lately a lot of things that did not look or sound like dogs scared me the way dogs scare me. from a distance, a cat and a child looked like a dog. "what's up bro" from a large unfamiliar man with a bass voice sounded like "wo wo wo" in Cantonese onomatopoea.
a girl asked me to buy her beer. when I failed to do so the bitch swore @ me and called me a "nigga". and she was black. very often someone called me a "nigga". do not remember anyone calling me a chink not even once.
what gets on my nerves was her sense of entitlement. buying alcohol for minors is not even legal. besides what the fuck? the sidewalk contained plenty of strangers over 21. if the stupid bitch asked enough strangers someone will get it for her. reminds me of the book "rejection proof". but that stupid bitch took it as rejection? maybe she just wanted to lose her temper @ something and was looking for an occasion. shit I do not know and I do not wanna know....
but she's not the only one entitled. the more I think about it the more ass holes from the distant past were also entitled and self important.
yesterday felt stressed and uptight thinking about all the stupidass schoolwork I signed up for for the rest of the semester. but upon closer inspection nothing to do except quizzes tests and go to class. no other work for the rest of the semester. shit just thinking about it makes me wanna gorge.
anyone could be implicitly biased against me and they might not even know about it. I certainly won't know about it. and they could be biased for an unlimited number of reasons and express the bias with numerous different methods.... I am not socially adept, smart, or emotionally resilient enough to anticipate much less prevent those stupid ass holes from acting on their implicit prejudices. myths and misconceptions....
it's just easier to be alone.
shit I feel like I can't trust nobody.