now that Trump is president, paranoid about homophobic laws that Trump discussed.
grateful where i live now is much less homophobic and much more democratic than where i lived in undergrad.
a stampede of wild teenagers were cariacaturizing my gait (walk). made me uptight, wondering which other dicklets see me the way they did. likewise they just saw me when i walked past. they did not even interact with me. (rolls eyes). shit. feel so fucking ashamed and shit. like there's something wrong with me.
as stopped up as usual. @ least 3x this year alone, took over 2 hours feces. strained.
"they take hours to shit! if you can't shit, get off!", some idiot from Food Maxx barked @ me. he slammed the door of the other stall. @ least four of them were waiting for me in the doorway. the mens bathroom contained 2 toilets and 1 urinal. @ the time those rat bastards knocked me out, the other toilet was empty.
that is so fucking inconvenient.
comfort zone contracting, instead of expanding
stuck in "trust vs mistrust" stage, due (partially) to the homophobic ass holes. after the lgbt laws got passed, the ass holes went Absent WithOut Leave and Missing In Action
quite frankly, do not feel like any of the dumbfuck "friends" that had the nerve to dump my worthless corpse, in the distant past, were worth that much energy in the first place.
even if the interaction were to have continued for the rest of their lives, then what?
it don't matter.
almost everyone i have ever interacted with, regardless of extrovert/introvert, political party, religion, socioeconomic class, education level, body type, sex, gender, race, occupation, or anything else, almost constantly acts:
got sick for the second time in four fucking weeks. the symptoms are not that bad. what gets on my nerves is comments from precious lil "people". extroverted ass holes.
primary caregiver for a stage four colon cancer patient on chemotherapy. read plenty of books about it. paranoid about the future.
makes me even more socially withdrawn than usual. shit.
nothing could make my stupidass "life" better. this is "As Good As it Gets". shit. (rolls eyes)
quite frankly i don't get the point of "life". maybe there is none and precious lil "people" are wrong for acting like there is one.
some ass holes' egos know no bounds shit
spring quarter, sophomore year undergrad, gained 15# in 10 weeks, gorging. menstrual cycle came 20, 20, and 19 days. short as fuck. out of fucking control. pants buttons falling off. fucking miserable.
looked @ mister redelings as role model, b/c he had the degree that i wanted. however, i failed to take into account that mister redelings is a neurotypical, cisgender, scrawny, handsome white man. even if i were to have gotten the same degree as him, it does not follow i would've gotten the same job.
one prospective employer told me that they have a lot of applications so they pick someone they are comfortable with and stick to it.
they could be "comfortable" around only people that are just like them: neuotypical, cisgender, white. and that still does not violate EEOC
hey mister redelings: fuck you!!!!!!!!!!
i trusted you when i came out to you.
not only did you violate my trust, but you had the nerve to accuse me of "lying". then when it turns out i was right, or @ least you were wrong, i don't even get a flimsy lil "i'm sorry sir".
a neutral third party should make him pay for my breast reduction surgery. apologize the fuck up. make him do 1000 community service hours @ a lgbt youth center, without social interaction. he can balance the books, be the janitor, do manual labor.
not only did he not waste as much energy telling me he was wrong, as he wrongfully wasted telling me i was wrong.
but he did not waste any energy telling me he was wrong, altogether.
a male to female transsexual from the bipolar support group claimed to have a computer science bachelors degree and still homeless.
a black dude from the autism support group claimed to have a masters in computer science. and saw him eating @ the soup kitchen.
and besides, a college chick said she would rather have a math instructor named jim than hans. and another chick agreed with her. (racism).
sometimes a class is only offered once a year, by one instructor. (fine). the rest of the time the students choose, based on any criteria.
on the other hand, what difference does it make? citizens choose presidential candidates, not necessarily based on job skills. but a voter can vote for the candidate based on race, sex, political party, or anything.
it's wierd b/c the 10th grade school psychologist had the nerve to tell me that the middle school customers bullied me b/c they were jealous i did better in school than them, & "if you work hard you can be whatever you wanna be when you grow up".
fuck that stupid bitch.
school is a business.
some dude told me he was a software engineer for 17 years. his whole division got laid off. then he went to trader joes to work one year. after that sylvan learning center. math tutor. 15 fucking dollars an hour. shit.
when i was on academic probation, went to a required seminar. the woman in charge said that you have to get a degree so you don't end up working @ the supermarket.
the software engineer, i am sure, was much smarter than that woman.
hey, ass holes!
college is a business! college earns money! college is under no obligation to only provide majors that lead to degrees. english? psychology? critical gender studies? linguistics? shit.
the whole notion of college is for everyone taken way too fucking far shit.
so maybe i should not have stressed out altogether just b/c i flunked out structural engineering. b/c even if i were to have gotten that degree then what? plenty of cisgender neurtypical applicants have the same degree. if an employer does not feel "comfortable" around me (and EEOC gender identity was not til 7 years after i would've gotten a structural engineering degree, if it took 4 years).
fuck mister redelings!!!!!!!!
today did not eat yams
yesterday did not eat clif bars
previous day did not eat dumplings.
want to go an entire day w/out candy. but that's a bit more difficult.
every time i think about the following topics, i wanna fucking gorge:
homophobic ass holes ie. mr redelings
structural engineering/academic failure
shit fuck mr redelings
even 9 years later and 500 miles away from the homophobic city i went to school in, still constantly paranoid about getting raped. it's gotten to the point where i wear a hat or hood whenever i leave the cage.
when someone does not like, accept, agree with, or understand something i said or did, he/she acts like he/she has a moral right to respond in any way he/she wants. and then when it turns out that i was right, or, just that he/she was wrong, nobody even squeaks a flimsy fuck "i'm sorry". (rolls eyes). but maybe they should waste as much energy telling me they were wrong, as they wasted telling me that i was wrong.
b/c otherwise what is there to prevent them from accusing me of whatever the fuck they want, and i have to answer in a method that satisfies them, even though nothing might satisfy them?
when big egoed ass holes ask "why" i did or said something they do not like, they act like there is a correct or good answer, and that was not the answer i gave. and they act like they are receptive to the me doing or saying something if the answer for why is good enough. but no matter what answer i give, maybe they still have the nerve to tell me that it is not a good answer.
which implies that they have the moral authority to judge what is a good answer or bad answer.
how about "why do you ask 'why' about ever slightest thing you do not like, b/c you think you are so fucking awesome that everything you do has a perfect explanation?".
how about "why do you act so fucking morally innocent and superior, smart, wise, awesome, cool?
seriously precious lil "most people" have hugefuck egos. not only that but they have the nerve to phrase whatever i did with the most condescending terminology. like when they talk at over 100 decibels they say they were "teaching" and when i perform likewise those lil bitches had the nerve to tell me "you got mad" or "you got upset". (rolls eyes).
they act like they are perfect, so i have a moral duty to passive aggressively tolerate whatever the fuck they do or say. and if i do not do so, then they have the nerve to tell me "you got mad".
seriously sometimes i feel like i have to write out a social interaction contract with the fuckers before the first encounter.
the previous two precious lil "friends" were right: "people do it all the time". fuck those stupidass bitches.
the world contains more registered sex offenders than nobel prize winners in physics. it does not follow that the activity with more participants is more morally justified.
if someone has the nerve to attempt to veto something i do, then why the fuck do i not have the prerogative to perform vice versa?
shit sometimes i wonder if all social interactions, even w/other autists are doomed to fail.
trump want to write laws against the lgbt
trump wants to reduce minimum wage
trump wants to try to get hillary sent to jail
trump wants to get rid of obamacare
trump wants to write a muslim registry, modelled after japanese internment camps
no wonder why all those trans youth committed suicide. shit.
lately, my dumbfuck "life" has been "As Good As it Gets." only several, peculiar things could make it better, temporarily. an unlimited number of things could make it much worse, permanently. so extremely anal retentive about the risk taking. shit, not just risk taking, but every fucking thing.
the licensed clinical social worker told me she is not good @ math but she does not consider herself "completely stupid" b/c she is good @ english. but "good @ english" is vague. she did not specify any test scores. granted, some english tests, such as SAT II: Writing, essay portion, are subjectively graded. but @ least the grader is more or less unbiased. @ least the grader is not the student.
the licensed clinical social worker had the nerve to try to convince me that i ain't "worthless". she asked me if someone without a job can talk to someone with a job. answer: yes, but what is so great about talking? (some say "actions speak louder than words. but i say that talking is superficial and ephemeral. likewise plenty of precious lil "people" are so pompous that they do little besides talk.) then she asked if, a student besides me, were not working and was going to school, and wanted and tried to get a job, would he be "worthless". so i answered going to school does not make someone valuable.
school is a money making business. a corporation. likewise what was she trying to say, a full time student, straight out of high school, in community college, that passes all his classes, paying tuition with scholarships/grants/financial aid/loans, is valuable? b/c then it begs the question what if the student is only taking one unit, and what if the student does not pass, or what if it's not the student's highest level of education? b/c you can't just go from a worthless person to a valuable one by wasting $$ on tuition. community college tuition.
and what is there to prevent rats from telling other rats that they are not worthless b/c they are valuable to their immediate relatives? that's the same as getting 100% on a test that is worth 0% of your grade.
what if you cut an earthworm into two pieces? does the importance double? (rolls eyes).
when a woman becomes pregnant, when does it count as two lives, third trimester?
when siamese twins get separated, do they double in importance?
of course not, shit.
answer: not just me, but everyone else is also fucking worthless in almost every way. some are not worthless, financially. but everyone is worthless in numerous ways. but almost everyone is so fucking arrogant they act like they are the greatest thing since sliced bread.
granted, the licensed clinical social worker was very nice, and, maybe being nice is the most important qualification of an lcsw. (fine). and that she maybe was not just reciting her personal philosophy, but the philosophy of the school or country or precious lil "most people". and it is also true that there is something wrong with everything.
personally, i find it more insulting for someone to act like i am going to believe whatever the fuck she told me, in 9 sessions @ age 33, than for someone to tell me that i am stupid, worthless, ugly or fat.
but, that is just my dumbfuck opinion. not a fact or law. and not everyone and maybe not anyone's opinion. (fine).
on the other hand, "why is legality so important to you?" (august 2013). (rolls eyes). and what if it were a law, then what? take a 2 year civil lawsuit? lawyers cost a lot of money. and getting subpoenaed to court takes a lot of time and energy and stress.
idioms, similes, metaphors, exaggerations
seriously just b/c she is (presumably) older than me and more educated in psychology, does not follow she is better than me @ all academic subjects. nor does it follow that she is morally superior. nor does it even follow her Stanford Binet IQ score is higher than mine. shit.
afraid of social interactions. fear of situation getting worse grossly overpowers greed for more.
omron handheld body fat measurement. 5'3, 112#, 33. volunteer put "male" w/out me stating. 18.7 percent fat. the female equivalent is 32.2 percent. in some charts that's "obese", the highest category.
the device might be wrong. the charts are just someone's opinion. (fine). but @ least whoever programmed the device and wrote the chart did not interact with me personally. the LCSW had the nerve to tell me that just from looking @ me she "knew" i was not fat. (rolls eyes) (she also said "i know you're smart."). but "fat" is not listed in the Physician's Desk Reference. nor is "smart" or "stupid" listed in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual. besides the LCSW told me that she is not good at math but she is good @ english, so she does not consider herself "completely stupid." how fucking biased. and vague. and subjective. more specific would be if she told me she was smart b/c she won a pulitzer prize or some shit.
mental health professionals. can't live with 'em. can't live without 'em.
"i remember you. you stole sandwiches from Andronico's", some chick walked past me on the street. shit i did not even recognize her and would not have looked twice. while she managed to get two complete statements out in that time. (over 2 years since i "stole sandwiches at andronico's".) (free samples)
shit my brain is all fogged up.
could use SSRI or MAOI but paranoid about weight gain as side effect
the deformed head, curly haired mohawk boy from aikido invited someone that looked like a stranger to aikido. stranger told me he recognized me from yoga (over 2 years ago, went for a couple years, at most 3x/week). what was the hugefuck deal? stranger told the mohawk boy i didn't "get with the program". mohawk boy agreed.
fuck both bitches!
they sounded like they thought they were all wise and shit b/c they phrased their condescending judgments so skillfully.
shit to think just a couple weeks ago the mohawk boy was a "friend" on facebook
they flap their stupidass traps so much that some of it has to be judgmental. and there are so many of them that they attract eachother.
wanna quit unpaid internship.
supervisor had the nerve to smoke during first meaning. what the fuck? that was rude. apparrently could not stop for one fucking hour. he emailed me some work to do. but it is so confusing. and i do not even know if i have learned enough to do it.
oh well. what's he gonna do, fire me?
running out of shit to do
do not even feel like toilet hopping
wish i had real friends
but all i got is the computer
"life goes on"
everything seems meaningless. everyone seems stupid including myself.
"the meaning of life is helping people!", the homophobic ass hole civil engineer over 10 years ago 500 miles away had the nerve to tell me.
mussolini was "helping" hitler. be more specific.
some ass holes truly believe everything is completely good or bad. and they had dr spock parents that treated them like special snowflakes. and there are a lot of ass holes like them (extroverted judmental chatterboxes). so they assume everything and everyone different from them is not just morally inferior, but not even a "person".
seriously mister redelings took an immediate, profound, and permanenet toll on my already dwindling emotional resilience
now i feel like i can't trust (seemingly) nice, skinny, handsome, academically smart precious lil "people" b/c one of them (@ least one) betrayed my trust
like a smack across the face
seriously, fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
shit sometimes i feel like i have to write a social interaction contract with ass holes. otherwise they will just act like they have a moral right to fuck with me.
and put some consequences in there too shit.
i do NOT want to hear one more "what?", "huh", "people do it all the time", "i don't like it", "why?".
seriously ASS HOLES. you should not be micromanaging me any more than vice versa.
when i say something they do not like they say "why". (why should i have to justify it to your satisfaction, who the fuck do you think you are?). ex. aikido instructor's sidekick and other bitches had the nerve to ask "why are you smiling?". why are you asking? do i need your consent every single time? and then when i was not smiling, extroverted self-important ass holes have the nerve to tell me "smile". they have the nerve to tell me "you look like a girl" and "you look like a boy". "you sound like a girl" or "you sound like a boy." "are you a girl or boy?". (rolls eyes). they ask "why" as if to pretend to be receptive, then to veto the reason, as if there were a reason they would accept. how about i ask chatterbox extroverted republicans "why" they refer to themselves as "most people". or "why" they ask "why" about every single fucking thing. FUCK YOU!!!!!!
when i say something they like they say "ok" (giving permission)
"you need to let it go
you need to let it go"
- "no", by Jessica lovelace
quite frankly, it never ceases to amaze me how judgmental ass hole extroverts act like they have a moral duty to publicly announce ever last thought and emotion they have. granted, I am much less articulate than them. (fine). even the learning disabled, mentally ill, developmentally disabled, ESL, brain damaged, high school dropouts, and young children talk a lot more, a lot better, and a lot faster than me. (fine).
but seriously, what the flying fuck? ain't there a better method of wasting all those calories and IQ points than by flapping their stupidass traps?
example: aikido sidekick told class to drink water. stupidass uchi deshi long haired BOY had the nerve to ask me "you're not drinking water?". answered "3 liters".
stupidass BOY had the nerve to ask "what?"
okay, ASS HOLES. if you rightly or wrongly think I am bothering you, then maybe you are justified in having the nerve to say "huh" or "what" to me. (fine). but since YOU approached ME, I do not think that I was bothering you. got that, DICKHEAD?
this DICKHEAD had the nerve to tell me "you need to bow out."
maybe the dickhead's parents treated him like a special snowflake and shit.
seriously why do ass holes act so: impatient, self-important, cute, funny, wise, smart, socially cool, and judgmental and extroverted?
likewise saying something is "good" or "cool" or anything like that is just as judgmental as saying it is bad. saying it is good implies that the speaker has a moral right to judge. and that the speaker's opinion is important. which thus maybe follows that the speaker himself/herself is so fucking important. shit
seriously, shit like this makes me feel like Avoidant Personality Disorder, autistic, anthropophobic, misanthropic.
"and according to new studies in that same world of psychiatry, that has taught us to rehash our every nightmare, those of us who minimize, repress, or consciously forget certain hurts may be better off."
- whatever, mom
last week, sat on a bench eating. a stranger asked me "are you homeless?". i did not want to make a big deal by correctly telling her it's "none of your business", but i also did not wanna talk to her. so she asked again. fine. answered. then she asked all kinds of questions like where do you live. answered. (city only). she looked surprised and told me that "most asians live in chinatown". (rolls eyes). well, i ain't "most asians". if something so small could make someone that surprised, imagine how she would've responded to larger shit. then she asked how old i was. answered. bitch had the nerve to tell me "you look 18". then she asked another stranger how old i look, & he answered "16". bitch then proceeded to tell me that it was "a compliment" b/c when you get old you look younger than your age. but i have not always looked younger than my age. that only started with my first buzz cut @ age 20. before that, strangers told me that i looked about my age. furthermore, the way i look to her is not necessarily the way i look to everyone. two people could look at the same thing and "see" different things, even without taking judgments per se into account, a priori. likewise, what if a bus runs me over tomorrow? then i will not have lived long enough, to benefit from looking younger than my chronological age. furthermore, what about all the drawbacks of looking younger than my age? like precious lil "people" treat me like you're so cute. there is no objective, inherent list of values and priorities.
but that reminded me of the time in 9th grade when i made the mistake of asking a classmate what time basketball practice ended. "none of your business!", the bitch correctly enlightened me. but it is hard to build rapport if you avoid everything that is none of your business. likewise plenty of entitled ass holes have had the nerve to ask me all sorts of bullshit that were correspondingly none of their business. but i did not have the nerve to bark "none of your business" to them. (although maybe i should have). b/c i wrongfully feel morally obliged, to be a good role model and all that stupid bullshit. but wait a minute? maybe i do not have the authority much less the skill to be a good role model. furthermore, what if i were to have come up with the world's greatest response? what's so great about that? and what if i were to have come up with the world's worst response? then what's so bad about that? shit. quite frankly i feel like nothing i do matters in a nonnegligble fashion. having said that you constantly have to be doing something. like even if you are just lying on the ground, you are doing something, in that you are lying on the ground.
and then the "are you homeless" bitch asked if i had ever gone to jail. answered. she asked what kind of work i do. answered. "you're a good kid", she told me. but you should not and cannot judge someone's morality based on a 15 minute conversation. moreover, uc berkeley said that its youngest professor was the Unabomer. likewise Ted Bundy allegedly had a 160 IQ score. and et cetera. academic intelligence is a job skill, not a moral quality. if someone is smart at math, that does not follow someone is morally a good person. any more than someone with a 500 pound bench press must be a good person b/c he is athletically superior to me.
but when i was an undergrad the first time i made the mistake of confusing academic intelligence with moral qualities. and then i trusted homophopbic ass holes just b/c they were academically smart. shit.
in some situations, for some practical purposes, it is necessary to trust someone for some reason. (fine). and judgment serves a function.
but it is not possible or legal to follow someone around his whole life. any interaction you have with someone is by definition just a sample.
a woman said she had her first manic episode when she was 65 years old. during that time her personality drastically altered.
the impression i get is that precious lil "most people" act with cognitive dissonance. in that they truly believe everything is either completely good or completely bad. and they could not live with themselves if they believed themselves as bad. so they just label themselves as good and ignore or dismiss their numerous flaws. and then they see a lot of precious lil "people" that look and act just like them (think "pochahontas). and assume that they are also perfect. then they see someone different from them. like me. and assume i must be bad b/c i am not similar to them in the ways they identify themselves.
seriously. shit. (rolls eyes). ass holes of the extremely academically smart variety are not exempt from this type of thinking error.
thus, maybe it is physically impossible to distinguish a "good person" from a bad one.
so i get even more avoidant personality disorder, autistic, anthropophobic, and misantrhorpic than usual.
and i did not think that was possible. shit.