the current counselor is fucking awesome. thus far. but of course, i remain paranoid and uptight. mister redelings did not show me he was homophobic, til i came out as trans. besides, there are an infinite number of forms of prejudice. likewise, what is socially acceptable today might be labelled as bigotted tomorrow. indeed, slavery used to serve some sort of economic function. so you have to live in the present. not in the future. and sure as fuck not in the past. makes me skeptical of what precious lil "people" reject about me today, that there will be laws 10 years later, mandating the passive aggressive tolerance of. and of course, i don't know, b/c i ain't psychic. if i knew, then what? who would believe me and care? nobody. if they believed me and cared, then what? nothing, b/c they have no political power anyways. right now, i do not feel accepted, like a normal person. but, the current city is more tolerant of lgbt and the financially low class, than the previous city. so whatever. getting ignored. it doesn't get any better. laws can't tell someone to be friends with someone. and of course, with laws, come enforcement. if someone does something illegal, where i get victimized, then what? civil lawsuit or 911. other than that, what? peer pressure? with autism? shit. not many times have i ever successfully peer pressured anyone to do anything.
most recent counselor was a fucking bitch. she had the nerve to say "huh" and "what" instead of "excuse me". she interrupted me when i was talking, to squeak "what?". and that "what?" was when i said the word "dojo". she went overboard with the mandated reporter bullshit. she condescendingly told me "i know you're smart". as if her opinion is so fucking important. (Rolls eyes). she had no clue what i've gone through. even after i told her. and when i told her about the toilets, she looked thoroughly disgusted. as if she had never heard anything so gross.
the little cunt did not know the following words:
percent body fat
she had the nerve to tell me "i would never tell someone they're stupid". "would never"? under gunpoint? in a theatrical production? the stupid bitch thought she "knew" much more than she knew. besides, why the hell does it matter what she says?
likewise, the little bitch had the nerve to tell me that i was "important". yeah, to whom, my dumbfuck self? a cockroach is important to itself. that does not make the cockroach important. she acted like she was much more important than she was. besides, how the hell can everyone be "important"? what is the definition of "important" anyways. 8 billion precious lil "people" in the solar system could not all be "important. if a professor passes out a syllabus, and puts 8 billion assignments on it, if all the assignments are "important", then none of them are important. that moronic little cunt Jamie had the nerve to tell me that i thought i was worthless b/c i did not have a job. cause and effect. wrong again, BITCH. everyone is worthless. not just the unemployed. besides, what about those retards that work as licensed clinical social workers, huh? the ones that flap their traps, and they act like they can do no wrong. in structural engineering and accounting, there are methods of getting from the question to the answer, & everything gets written down.
not negligible? obviously we are using different definitions. and the stupid bitch was so fucking arrogant too. like i just had to believe everything she told me. they were just her stupid opinions. who gives a rat's ass, shit?
fuck Jamie Adair!
"My reply, in turn, would be to ask our beloved mayor if he truly believes it's possible to know the soul of any man. Because I have my doubts, people. A man's entire being is an impenetrable mask (and don't even get me started on women), with as many layers as an enormous onion. You can peel away one, two, even twenty layers, but always another layer is waiting below the surface, hungry for its turn in the sun. Some of those layers are wicked, some noble, but most of them just want to watch TV and drink beer." - " The Firebug of Balrog County".
this is why i feel like i can't trust precious little "people". if you interact with someone, all you know is what happened in that situation. sometimes you do not even know that. when i told someone that i had a crush on the solid mechanics teaching assistant, she told me that he was "a good person". but if you know someone's occupation, that is all you know. you cannot correctly assume that just b/c someone is academically smart, they must be morally good.
ted bundy, james holmes, ted kaczinski, all had high IQ scores.
my precious little "parents" royally fucked me over. they left me "beyond repair" and "too far gone". plenty of idiots go around acting like they are smart and important. but they are just fucking full of themselves. it would be different, if everyone's parents treated them the way mine did. (standard of reference).
but it ain't.
they treated me like i had to be perfect all the time. perfect according to precious little "most people's" standards.
it takes too much effort to find someone to interact with. the older i get the more things and precious lil "people" i fear and hate.
job corps, too old to join
military, autism specifically 4f'ed
grad school, nothing i am good @. nothing i want to do. student loan default
peace corps, 2 year only, some countries contain more racism/sexism/homophobia/rape
americorps, 1 year only, summer sessions 9 weeks. then what?
seriously maybe i ought to just make a voluntary choice to just do nothing.
besides, whatever programs there are, the marketing only shows the pros. the purpose of the marketing is for someone to earn $$. it's not possible to know what it's like, w/out going. & if going, then it's a commitment that takes a lot of time and energy to undue. for ex, military.
besides i ain't emotionally ready to make drastic changes. although change occurs sooner or later. and choosing to change sometimes serves a necessary function.
throwing out the baby along w/the bathwater.
in the news, just this year, an 8 year old FTM won the right to join the homophobic Boy Scouts. likewise, a 17 year old FTM won a wrestling tournament as a 110 pound girl.
in a way, it is good, in that the public knows more about transsexuals. more exposure leads to fewer misconceptions. (fuck mister redelings, casey whitsett, amy shyu, for telling me it was "lying" for me to ask them to call me "he" instead of "she").
also, it is also good that outdated policies that only took cisgender children into account, get updated. (fine).
however, my primary emotional reaction: annoyance. secondary: jealousy.
my precious lil "parents" did not send me to Boy or Girl Scouts. what is that, "parental discrimination"? "financial discrimination"? nobody, cisgender or otherwise, has a legal right to join Boy Scouts.
likewise what has gotten on my nerves for a longfuck time was how some morons call adult females "girls" and adult males "guys" or "men". it is either boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, or men and women. thus far, there ain't no linguistic feminine equivalent of "guy". "gal" don't cut it. it's like adult males are so fucking cool they do not have to get called "boys". shit sometimes junior high school males don't like getting called "boys". while females. shit.
but i do not feel comfortable telling idiots that. b/c i feel ashamed that i am so insecure, that something like that sort of terminology (it's just slang), i find insulting. moreover, highly doubt anyone would change, just for me. besides, what if they did, then what? what's so great about that? answer: nothing.
besides, you do not know what kind of mental illnesses or criminal background someone has. anyone could do anything for any reason or no reason, without announcement.
compromise: except for functional purposes, i usually avoid almost everyone. http://depression.livejournal.com/11880168.html
seriously those ass holes do not deserve to live.
"may i help you?" "are you ok?" "do you have a question?"
like they are so fucking innocent. if you have a question, they have an answer.
"may i help you" is better than "may i hurt you". but that is not how they treat their "awesome friends".(mister "we care about you") likewise, some jobs require employees to say "may i help you," but that is not all jobs. and when someone is not at work they do not have to say that stupid bullshit.
"you got a head problem? want me to help fix it for you?", some idiot on the bus had the nerve to tell me. then after he told me, he told the other streettrash he was talking on the phone to. (rolls eyes). (reference to 10/2012 entry). too much eye contact and that's what you get. too little eye contact and that's what you get.
there is no correct amount of eye contact. there is only the amount expected and demanded by extroverts with egos too large to fit the fucking planet.
almost nobody i have ever interacted with is worth the energy it takes to interact with them. shit. they all think they are the greatest thing in the world.
they're just overgrown monkeys.
extroverts. when i think of them, i think of an extrovert's head on a dobermann's body.
extroverts are just like dogs, in that whenever they think a thought or feel an emotion, they bark. they act like they are so fucking important. when it turns out they were wrong, nothing happens. when it turns out they were right, their stupidass owners ("companions") treat them like fucking heroes.
some precious lil "people" treat their dogs as more important than humans. (me). even my stupidass former "friends" let their dogs off leash around me.
shit it would just take an entire longfuck written contract. what to do and what not to do. otherwise lil bitches and ass holes truly believe they are morally entitled to do whatever the fuck they want around me. just like they do whatever the fuck they want when i am not around.
with few exceptions, fuck all extroverts i have ever interacted wtih.
feel fucking exhausted
too tired to even talk a lot of the time
on the other hand, nothing seems to matter enough to justify wasting calories
september 12, 2016, most recent menstrual cycle
now that Trump is president, paranoid about homophobic laws that Trump discussed.
grateful where i live now is much less homophobic and much more democratic than where i lived in undergrad.
a stampede of wild teenagers were cariacaturizing my gait (walk). made me uptight, wondering which other dicklets see me the way they did. likewise they just saw me when i walked past. they did not even interact with me. (rolls eyes). shit. feel so fucking ashamed and shit. like there's something wrong with me.
as stopped up as usual. @ least 3x this year alone, took over 2 hours feces. strained.
"they take hours to shit! if you can't shit, get off!", some idiot from Food Maxx barked @ me. he slammed the door of the other stall. @ least four of them were waiting for me in the doorway. the mens bathroom contained 2 toilets and 1 urinal. @ the time those rat bastards knocked me out, the other toilet was empty.
that is so fucking inconvenient.
comfort zone contracting, instead of expanding
stuck in "trust vs mistrust" stage, due (partially) to the homophobic ass holes. after the lgbt laws got passed, the ass holes went Absent WithOut Leave and Missing In Action
quite frankly, do not feel like any of the dumbfuck "friends" that had the nerve to dump my worthless corpse, in the distant past, were worth that much energy in the first place.
even if the interaction were to have continued for the rest of their lives, then what?
it don't matter.
almost everyone i have ever interacted with, regardless of extrovert/introvert, political party, religion, socioeconomic class, education level, body type, sex, gender, race, occupation, or anything else, almost constantly acts:
got sick for the second time in four fucking weeks. the symptoms are not that bad. what gets on my nerves is comments from precious lil "people". extroverted ass holes.
primary caregiver for a stage four colon cancer patient on chemotherapy. read plenty of books about it. paranoid about the future.
makes me even more socially withdrawn than usual. shit.
nothing could make my stupidass "life" better. this is "As Good As it Gets". shit. (rolls eyes)
quite frankly i don't get the point of "life". maybe there is none and precious lil "people" are wrong for acting like there is one.
some ass holes' egos know no bounds shit
spring quarter, sophomore year undergrad, gained 15# in 10 weeks, gorging. menstrual cycle came 20, 20, and 19 days. short as fuck. out of fucking control. pants buttons falling off. fucking miserable.
looked @ mister redelings as role model, b/c he had the degree that i wanted. however, i failed to take into account that mister redelings is a neurotypical, cisgender, scrawny, handsome white man. even if i were to have gotten the same degree as him, it does not follow i would've gotten the same job.
one prospective employer told me that they have a lot of applications so they pick someone they are comfortable with and stick to it.
they could be "comfortable" around only people that are just like them: neuotypical, cisgender, white. and that still does not violate EEOC
hey mister redelings: fuck you!!!!!!!!!!
i trusted you when i came out to you.
not only did you violate my trust, but you had the nerve to accuse me of "lying". then when it turns out i was right, or @ least you were wrong, i don't even get a flimsy lil "i'm sorry sir".
a neutral third party should make him pay for my breast reduction surgery. apologize the fuck up. make him do 1000 community service hours @ a lgbt youth center, without social interaction. he can balance the books, be the janitor, do manual labor.
not only did he not waste as much energy telling me he was wrong, as he wrongfully wasted telling me i was wrong.
but he did not waste any energy telling me he was wrong, altogether.
a male to female transsexual from the bipolar support group claimed to have a computer science bachelors degree and still homeless.
a black dude from the autism support group claimed to have a masters in computer science. and saw him eating @ the soup kitchen.
and besides, a college chick said she would rather have a math instructor named jim than hans. and another chick agreed with her. (racism).
sometimes a class is only offered once a year, by one instructor. (fine). the rest of the time the students choose, based on any criteria.
on the other hand, what difference does it make? citizens choose presidential candidates, not necessarily based on job skills. but a voter can vote for the candidate based on race, sex, political party, or anything.
it's wierd b/c the 10th grade school psychologist had the nerve to tell me that the middle school customers bullied me b/c they were jealous i did better in school than them, & "if you work hard you can be whatever you wanna be when you grow up".
fuck that stupid bitch.
school is a business.
some dude told me he was a software engineer for 17 years. his whole division got laid off. then he went to trader joes to work one year. after that sylvan learning center. math tutor. 15 fucking dollars an hour. shit.
when i was on academic probation, went to a required seminar. the woman in charge said that you have to get a degree so you don't end up working @ the supermarket.
the software engineer, i am sure, was much smarter than that woman.
hey, ass holes!
college is a business! college earns money! college is under no obligation to only provide majors that lead to degrees. english? psychology? critical gender studies? linguistics? shit.
the whole notion of college is for everyone taken way too fucking far shit.
so maybe i should not have stressed out altogether just b/c i flunked out structural engineering. b/c even if i were to have gotten that degree then what? plenty of cisgender neurtypical applicants have the same degree. if an employer does not feel "comfortable" around me (and EEOC gender identity was not til 7 years after i would've gotten a structural engineering degree, if it took 4 years).
fuck mister redelings!!!!!!!!
today did not eat yams
yesterday did not eat clif bars
previous day did not eat dumplings.
want to go an entire day w/out candy. but that's a bit more difficult.
every time i think about the following topics, i wanna fucking gorge:
homophobic ass holes ie. mr redelings
structural engineering/academic failure
shit fuck mr redelings