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marfan's syndrome
"labels disable."

date of incident: 2017-09-20 18:41
crime: that stupid bitch Jessica Lewis and her damn dog Luna
protection Public
hideoutPier 1's toilet
last week, some bitch named Jessica Lewis got numerous articles in the news. allegedly, Lewis asked the instructor, Dr Kennedy, if Lewis could bring her dog Luna. Kennedy supposedly, answered "of course" and that it was "obvious" that "she" (Luna) is "a good girl".

okay, fuck Kennedy, Lewis, and Luna.

did Kennedy ask, during class, if anyone was afraid of or allergic to dogs? according to the article, it doesn't sound like it.

a dog bit me last year.

okay, what the fuck?

based on a couple pictures, little or nothing is "obvious". it was not "obvious" that Luna was "good" or that Luna was a "girl". the word "good" is vague and subjective. look at a bunch of photos of death row inmates. do they all look "bad"? of course not.

usually when someone says someone else is "a good person", that statement is pretty much dismissing, or at least minimizing, someone's flaws. as if someone is fucking perfect. shit.

and i used to think mister redelings was perfect. but after realizing he is/was homophobic. shit. that makes it extremely difficult to trust anyone.

thus far, the current counselor has been fucking awesome. far better than any other previous counselor. had 10 professional counselors and at least 20 volunteer counselors. nobody comes close to the current counselor, in quality. shit.

if Kennedy wanted to do Lewis a favor, Kennedy could've told Lewis that he would mark her "present" and he could have e-mailed her a PowerPoint presentation of his notes. he could've told her to skip that class and evacuate on time, with precious lil dog, Luna, in tow.

or, Kennedy could've offered to let Lewis keep Luna in Kennedy's office during class. that way, the dog would not have gotten stolen, neglected, abused.

and why the hell is it so fucking hard to lock the damn dog outside? shit.

just reading that article made me wanna puke.

numerous ass holes praised Kennedy, lewis, and luna.

while i was thinking, what next, are other students going to ask that instructor to let them bring their pets? what happens when the pets fight eachother or when the pets bite students?

maybe next week, the student allergic to dogs will take out a lawsuit.


almost nobody brought up the prospect that, just maybe, not everyone found it so fucking cute and awesome for that bitch to bring another bitch to class.

quite frankly, i feel like, on the first day of class, the damn instructor should've written on the syllabus, that everyone can bring any species of pets to class. anyone not comfortable has to not take the class.

one idiot responded to the Lewis article by correctly pointing out that if a student was allergic to dogs the student could've gotten a shot or gone in another room.

if you go in another room, you miss the material that will be on the final.

shots cost $$ and take time.

who's gonna pay for the shots, kennedy? lewis? shit.

some little cunts, like Lewis, really do not care about anyone besides their dumbfuck selves.

not only that, but they get to go on the radio and become an internet celebrity.

makes me paranoid, if those articles will encourage other instructors and supervisors to let students and employees bring every species of pests to school and work.

what's next, dog owners claim species discrimination? correctly pointing out that cats do not have to go on leashes so why should dogs have to go on leashes?

one of my previous precious lil "friends" had a stupidass dog named Luna. it's like insult to injury.

off leash dog. in class.

ok either put the dog outside the building, or PUT THE OWNER ON A LEASH shit.

fuck all dog owners.


got the job as a suicide hotline recipient. kind of surprising.


after wasting only 15 minutes at the Cathedral, in the bathroom. a dicklette security guard had the nerve to tell me that i was in there for 30 minutes. he asked if i needed "help". answered no. he left. five minutes later he came back with another cocksucker who then told me that if i was not out within five minutes he would call medical services.

okay, if those poor white trash, wanted to "help" me, the correct method would've been to stop bothering me. shit.

and now i feel reluctant to go back.

which is kind of inconvenient. but not nearly as inconvenient as Food Maxx. shit.

there were five toilets. nobody was waiting for the bathroom.

the sixth grade english teacher said that when she worked at Gap, the employees were supposed to say "may i be of service" instead of "may i help you", b/c "help" could just mean ........... go to hell, mister redelings! how about you prove to me that you are cisgender, huh? what's that? of course you can't. maybe you are really a male to female transsexual, but you care about precious lil "people" so much, that you successfully refrain from cross dressing. for the purpose of preventing precious lil "people" from getting "uncomfortable".

"you make people uncomfortable with the way you dress!", mister redelings had the nerve to tell me. that statement made it sound like cisgenders really want to crossdress, but they successfully refrain from doing so, to prevent precious lil "people" from getting "uncomfortable". it takes one to know one. maybe mister redelings really wanted to crossdress.

and yes, i do make "people" uncomfortable with the way i dress. yes i get it. that is correct.

however i also make precious lil "people" uncomfortable when i continue living. and i make precious lil "people" uncomfortable with my autism symptoms. so what the fuck am i supposed to do, commit suicide? and failure to do so shows that "you don't care about anyone except yourself!".

there is no cure for autism. thus far. if technology invents a cure for autism ten years later, then what? the cure will cost too much $$. if there cure were free financially, then what? it's a bit too late for me to be a "happy child". (fuck claudia lai). i am 34 years old. that's already way too old to take an autism cure.

the word "people" literally means two or more. but "people" sounds like everyone in the world except me. and it sounds like i am not a person.

certainly, in the past 34 years, two separate parties have felt "uncomfortable" when i committed the felony of continuing to live. shit.


fuck the security guards

fuck jessica lewis, luna, doctor kennedy

fuck all dog owners

fuck mister redelings

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date of incident: 2017-09-02 18:54
crime: suicide hotline operator
protection Public
hideoutoffice depot toilet
went to job interview. for suicide hotline operator. thought he would ask fascinating, personal questions.

but they were not dramatic.


precious lil "people" totally told me off when they thought i was "lying" when i asked them to call me "he" instead of "she".

and then later it turned out i was right.

not one of them made reparations.

1. fix the problem

2. waste as much energy apologizing, as you did causing the problem

3. waste the slightest bit of energy.

not one precious lil "person" said "i'm sorry sir."

fuck san diego homophobic ass holes.

so now i feel like i can't trust nobody.
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date of incident: 2017-08-17 19:40
crime: Malala, nobel prize winner
protection Public
read an article about Malala. she sounded like a hero and a good role model.

but everyone has good and bad qualities.

even what is a good quality in one situation could be a bad quality in another.

Malala sounded brave. and i am cowardly. but you can't measure bravery. and i wish i was one tenth as courageous as Malala. but not many are nearly as brave as Malala. otherwise she would not have won the Nobel Prize.

bravery does not always get rewarded. for example, infantrymen in the Army sometimes bravely risk their lives protecting someone else, and then those infantrymen get killed.

it was more the dichotomous thinking. you have to take the good along with the bad.

it's easy to label someone as "good" or "bad". but seriously, so many idiots that have interacted with me told me someone is "a good person". as if everyone were completely good or bad. as if they knew immediately which category someone falls into.

if only it were that easy. shit.
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date of incident: 2017-07-31 19:15
crime: chronic failure; shit
protection Public
lately, missed more bowel movements than usual. last week, missed 4. the week before, 3. the week before 5. the week before, 4. shit usually only miss 1 or 2. often google symptoms. and take the most drastic disease and research it. besides, sitting on the toilet 3x/day for 30 min to 2 hours per day. so got a lot of time to research the diseases shit.

usually drink 5 liter water daily. sometimes get lazy. and only 4. shit but only supposed to drink 2.2.

day before yesterday, timed the water drinking badly. ate 4 piece inari sushi, banana, apple. then 1.5 liter water. then threw up. but no other symptoms. besides constipation, exhaustion, anxiety, clinical depression.

sometimes when it takes 2 hours to make a bowel movement. or the bowel movement does not look or feel complete. then paranoid that about to drop dead soon.

but hey what the flying fuck ever shit. b/c everyone will drop dead sooner or later.

besides, $$ will run out sooner or later. might end up homeless, panhandling, prostituting, drugs, et cetera shit.

so might as well end on a high note shit.


last week President Trump tweeted that trans military won't get accepted or allowed. and as usual the world responded. protests. plenty of Republican senators are opposed to Trump's change.

mostly it makes me feel old. b/c when i was young it was Don't Ask Don't Tell. and homophobia. "that's hella gay" was some sort of mild criticism.

but hey whatever.

the other things is that homophobic retards never apologized the fuck up to me.

but hey "life" ain't fair.

it ain't fair to rape victims, the blind at birth, children starving. so what the fuck ever shit.

yeah i know plenty of people have a lot more and a lot worse problems than me.

but still i wanna shoot my dumbfuck self shit.

extroverts are so fucking annoying. what the hell is there to talk about shit?
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date of incident: 2017-07-19 20:06
crime: chaos theory
protection Public
what gets on my nerves is how precious lil "people" act like every time i do or say something they do not like, it's like (gasp) a hugefuck deal. they act like they have never done jacks hit wrong before. that is so fucking annoying.

hey precious lil "people" have to hurt and kill other living things, to remain alive.

cosmetics get tested on animals.
"meat is murder", claim some vegans.
driving cars causes pollution
using computers/technology causes pollution
everyone has a carbon footprint
child labor and sweatshops sell clothes
undocumented immigrants pick strawberries.

while some companies put a "cruelty free" sticker on their merchandise, it is hard to know which stickers to believe. in any event, though products that are allegedly cruelty free are more expensive than other ones.

yeah that's why it gets on my nerves when stupidass mandated reporters had the nerve to ask "are you planning to hurt yourself or anyone else?".

that makes it sound like every time someone claims someone hurt him/her, at least one party must legally get sent to 5150.

but what the fuck? the counselor told me "if it hurts, it's hurtful."

the word "hurt" is too subjective and vague. esp since anyone can accuse anyone of hurting someone.

besides, any action could have an unlimited number of results shit.

chaos theory

the effects are not necessarily obvious, visible, physical, direct, or quantitative.

fuck jamie adair shit. that stupid bitch acted like she has never done jack shit wrong before.

like mister redelings had the nerve to tell me "the meaning of life is helping people!". fuck you, ASS HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he made it sound like he was so morally innocent and never did jack shit wrong before.

fuck jamie adair too.
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date of incident: 2017-06-30 18:23
crime: precious lil "people": not worth the cost benefit analysis
protection Public
hideoutparker plaza
it's a fine line between showing interest and asking questions that are none of your business. curt versus loquacious. anyone can label anything none of your business. it is not right or wrong. (rolls eyes). it's mostly precious lil "people". extroverts. shit fuck ass extroverts. one idiot. more than one retarded ass hole had the nerve to ask me "why are you smiling?". it was like he wanted me to obtain his written consent form, every time i changed emotional expression. fuck that dicklette. extroverts seriously won't shut the fuck up. and they talk so fucking loud too. it's like they're always excited.

but seriously though.

some things can't be phrased with words. for example, Jamie Adair bitch LCSW asked "how are you doing" and i answered "depressed". the bitch asked mandated reporter questions. but the way you feel can't be fully and accurately depicted with words. it's vague.

and then some things can't be measured with numbers. but sometimes things that can't be measured still count. shit.

and then i have to think of not the dictionary definition. but of the other party's perspective. and i ain't psychic or telepathic. everyone has a different perspective. neurotypicals have a different perspective from autistics. but all neurotypicals have a different perspective from eachother shit.

and then they might not be receptive to what i say.

there is no law that says they have to be receptive. sometimes they on a facade that they are receptive. and they successfully trick me. (autism)

or maybe there is a way of phrasing it in words but i do not know how. or maybe in the situation it's too much pressure. stress. and can't think straight. so i fail to come up with the correct explanation.

and if they are receptive, then what? whopptie do. none of the retards that i interact with have political power. they can't do jack shit besides vote, do volunteer work, donate to political partiies, and go on political protests. they do not have the legal authority to write laws

fuck jamie adair LCSW. bitch shit

and then when someone tells me something, i do not know if they are speaking figuratively, mistaken, lying, exaggerating, or just misleading.

too much peer pressure. unless i ask, do not tell me what i "should" do. ASS HOLES!!!!!

"can", "should" and "will" are all 3 different things.

extroverts are so fucking judgmental. oh what the flying fuck ever

almost everyone is so judgmental almost all the time.

being vague. being specific. it makes a hugefuck difference.

and then terminology. "mad" instead of "angry". "huh" and "what" instead of "excuse me". "girl" instead of "woman". "guy" instead of "boy."

like fuck ass bitch had the nerve to tell me

"most people use only a little toilet paper"
that stupid bitch was driving me crazy
how much is a little toilet paper
i had to ask
and she told me 4, 5, 6, or 7 pieces. ok more specific

b/c otherwise maybe i would've taken "a little toilet paper" as 11 pieces. fuck the bitch. she needs to be more specific.

and then addiction to technology. at least 2x i was in the bathroom and she was on the other side and she had the nerve to dial my phone number. not all locations have phone recption. she could've just talked to me on the other side. besides, i could've dropped the phone in the toilet. so i told her i would've preferred for her to just come in. seriously shit. what the ADHD fuck ass cocksucker. i had barely sat on the damn John, and the bitch had the nerve to phone me to tell me she was going next door to barnes and noble. what the flying fuck. b/c she was so impatient. and could not forward think. seriously. Myers Briggs type.. and she is not the only bitch just like that. "most people" are like that. they act like their phones are baby pacifiers.

baby pacifiers
repulsive lil "most people" shit i am ashamed to be in the same species as them shit

seriously shit. what did people do before the advent of phones? did they just sit at home all day long? of course not.

and then numerous times she had the nerve to cancel on me. not even 2 hour notice. and at least once the little cunt just stood me up. and six hours earlier she told me "i'll probably definitely be there". shit there has to be a boundary somewhere. fuck extroverted ass holes shit. seriously they act like they have to judge every fucking thing i do or say. like i was pulling on her stupid ass dog's leash and she had the nerve to tell me "that's mean". ok what the fuck does that lil cunt expect me to do, drop the leash? and then when the dumbfuck dog had the nerve to touch me, she did not say "that's mean." besides what if i were to have touched the dog. shit. sometimes. Some extroverts do not even know that their opinions are just opinions. it's b/c there are so many ass holes that look, sound, and act just like those particular bitches. that they think their opinions are facts. seriously. what some people say about homophobic ass holes. that homophobic ass holes do not know how to deal with anyone different from them. correct. okay. but it's also b/c they are in the majority, that they feel they have the social influence or political power to reject someone else. besides plenty of ass holes that are not homophobic are still really extremely egocentric. so what they accept someone LGBT. but do they accept someone autistic? they are just as ignorant and rejecting and dismssive of someone autistic, as someone homophobic is ignorant of someone LGBT.
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date of incident: 2017-06-19 19:31
crime: purpose
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feel like "life" has neither purpose nor meaning.

and it is "As Good As it Gets."

next time i get into a friendship, want a written contract. what every party will not do. and, if otherwise, then what. shit.

b/c it's the same fucking bullshit. over and over.
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date of incident: 2017-05-31 19:23
crime: follow up to most recent post: accused of stealing
protection Public
some idiot from REI had the nerve to ask if i stole something, on a previous occasion. that was the first time i had seen him (that i know of), and i had just entered. answered "no, i did not". and he said "nevermind". but he told a woman something about me. tried to ignore him. b/c wrongful accusation is a really big deal. but it is also illegal for the customer to take an undercover videotape or tape recording. and illegal taken recordings are inadmissible in court. besides, who would believe me anyways, if i said he accused me? lawyers cost 500 dollars per billable hour. a psychologist told me to tape record it, after i told him about the Safeway incident last year. but what if he took or broke the recorder, then what? there are always plenty of things neurotypicals can do, that autists do not know how to respond to.

quite frankly, it's taking so much energy to consider someone else's perspective, that i would rather be alone the vast majority of the time.
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date of incident: 2017-05-18 20:37
crime: same crime & different punishments: unfair
protection Public
hideoutCafe M
psychotic phasepensivepensive
nine years ago, a clinical psychologist told me he wanted to physically assault the former president. it was like he was trying to bait me into saying "yeah, i wanna physically assault the president too." and then he could've called 5150. likewise, he phone called me, and asked how i was doing. correctly answered someone fired me. he asked if i was safe. answered something like someone might rape me. he answered "you know what i mean". (mandated reporter questions). (rolls eyes). sounded like he acted so obsessed with mandated reporter duties, that he was overstepping bounds. he phoned me. not vice versa.

and then a licensed clinical social worker once asked 3x during one session, mandated reporter questions. how the hell can a client discuss anything that ain't ideal, if the counselor keeps asking mandated reporter questions?

LCSW jamie adair. that stupid bitch asked me how i was doing. answered "depressed." (and i already disclosed that a psychologist diagnosed me with clinical depression. in writing.) that stupid bitch had the nerve to ask me a 😁mandated reporter 😄 question. it was like if the i (or the client) answers anything other than "perfect" to the question "how are you doing?", then it's 5150 questions.

on the train, a woman struck her daughter. another woman told the first woman that she would tattle to 911. and maybe she was a mandated reporter. (fine). but the Bart was so crowded there was barely standing room. so how was it mathematically possible there was only one mandated reporter on the Bart? k-12 schoolteachers. doctors. nurses. licensed clinical social workers. police officers. it was like everyone had to go home, get their most recent paystub, and show that under "occupation", it does not list a form of mandated reporter job.

went to Depression Bipolar Support Alliance and discussed the clinical psychologist. one woman told me that 5150 was not so bad. she said she voluntarily checked herself into 5150. but of course, different locations, and different times. and the staff might've treated her better than they would've treated me. and et cetera.

over 10 years ago, a male to female transsexual told me. that she tried and failed to commit suicide. as punishment, the court sentenced her to court mandated psychotherapy. so i asked who paid for the psychotherapy. she answered she did not have to pay. so i asked who choose which particular counselor it was. she told me she got a list of counselors. and she choose one. that counselor was a male to female transsexual. and that counseling counted toward the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care for hormonal transition. from male to female. through estrogen and progesterone shots and capsules. for my gender therapy, i had to wait 6 months. and it lasted 9 months. and that was it. lemmie take a guess - she did not have to wait?

today's counselor told me that it did not make sense. like how do you go from "i got fired" to mandated reporter. if everyone that got fired got sent to 5150, then there would be a lot of people in 5150. today's counselor told me that counselors that are obsessed with 5150 are not experienced or do not know what to look for. that's a good, euphemism for Jamie Adair. inexperienced.

when i was in 10th grade, 16 years old, French 3. schoolteacher had the nerve to tell me i violated mandated reporter protocol, by writing an essay, in response to a homework assignment, about physical violence. my punishment was that i had to go to 3 total counseling sessions with 2 different counselors. so then i said that @ that time, i did not know about the mandated reporter bullshit. nobody ever told me. (which, of course, brings up the question of what else i do not know, b/c someone failed to tell me.) then i said that i did not feel comfortable around counselors, b/c some of them act totally obsessed with 5150. they acted like they got a cash bonus every time they called 5150. likewise, it brought up the question, what if the clinical psychologist told 5150 that i violated mandated reporter protocol, and i did not. who are the professionals going to believe? of course the professionals would believe the psychologist instead of me.

today's counselor said that when applying for jobs, a 5150 does not turn up on the background check. (although maybe for jobs as police officer, military).
jamie fucking adair is only 35 years old. that's it exactly: if she were to have done everything perfectly, then what? then whooptie do. Jamie Elyse Adair was not nearly as important as she acted like she was. shit.

when i was in 6th grade. 12 years old. i wrongfully accused a someone of stealing something. later, an entire stampede of junior high school reptiles physically assaulted me at the bus stop. they did not injure me, but of course they could have. it was more like they were trying to teach me a lesson. they succeeded at teaching me a lesson, but it was not clear what that particular lesson was. was the lesson (1) do not wrongfully accuse someone of stealing or (2) do not do anything they do not like. b/c quite frankly i get the impression the lesson was (2). b/c it is hard to imagine that they could have concocted a different punishment for each infraction.

and i get that i did something bad and wrong. and i deserved a punishment. but plenty of idiots have since accused me of a wide variety of stupid bullshit. no apology whatsoever. no consolation prize. no punishment. no reward. no lesson learned.

so what was there to prevent them from accusing me again? nothing.
what was there to prevent me from accusing the 6th grade classmates again? fear.
brute fear shit

precious lil "friend" from the past. in september 2015 that stupid bitch saw me sitting on a bench @ ec plaza. "Are you still mad at me?", the lil cunt squeaked. she acted so fucking innocent. morally innocent. like she had never done jack shit wrong before. esp not w/me as a victim. and the word "mad" sounds so condescending. how about "angry" or "annoyed". likewise the stupid bitch acted like i was unjustified. big flying fuck deal. so what i yelled at her. that ain't illegal. @ least i did not hire a stampede of junior high school rodents to waste a lot of calories on the little cunt. what those rodents did to me, i have obsessed about. every fucking day. over 22 years later. back then i was 12. now i am 34. shit. she did not get that sort of punishment. and she still thought that she was right. shit.

but of course the entire situation was different. in that school district, in that year, the protocol was that if a student allegedly did something illegal at school or en route to a school sponsored event. the school dealt with it. otherwise 911 dealt with it. if one of the rodents were to have stopped @ their house on the way from school to the assault, then it would not just have been suspension from school as a punishment.

later, someone that i did not recognize (and barely saw) said "you got my cousin suspended." but it was not even clear the speaker was talking to me. b/c the speaker was far away and all that stupid bullshit. it was not clear who the speaker was. it was not clear who the cousin was. it was not clear how i got the cousin suspended. what the fuck did the speaker expect me to do, not tattle? shit was that really an option? they grossly outnumbered me
other times someone physically assaulted me, but it was just one @ a time. fuck those ass holes. and besides nobody cares about middle school suspensions. not even college applications.

what was unfair was not the way the rodents punished me. at that time i thought that punishment was unjustified b/c it was illegal. but what is illegal is not necessarily immoral. and what is legal in one country in one year is illegal in another country in another year. (fine).

it was unfair, b/c my punishment was not the one any of the ass holes that wrongfully accused me got.

b/c the defendant (me) could be biased in his or her favor. and the plaintiff could be biased in the plaintiff's favor. brock turner's mom wrote a letter to the judge, telling the judge to give brock community service instead of jail. even though 3 months in jail was much more lenient than other defendants got for the same conviction.

and i feel like i am biased against my dumbfuck self. but i can't physically "prove" that i ain't biased in my favor.

nor do i have to.

all i have to do is show that my bias, if any, does not affect what punishment i thought i ought to get.

the counselor told me that there is no system of punishments. (correct.) even somewhere there is a system of punishments, such as a court of law. stanford swimmer Brock Turner got convicted of rape. 3 months in jail. but plenty of other men got convicted of rape and they got much longer in jail. and sometimes someone that is guilty gets a "not guilty" verdict. so even if there is a system of punishments, it still is not universally, objectively, absolutely. fairly. applied. 🙂in a court of law 😇
and outside a court of law there is. no system of punishments whatsoever. shit.
catharsis. fucking love this counselor. should've gone to her a longfuck time ago shit
but it's a day late and a dollar short. had her for the past 6 months. once a week every thursday. 50 minutes each time. for the following 6 months it is once every other week. and that lasts for 6 months. and then no more counseling. MediCal. shit. (rolls eyes). after that what the fuck can i do shit.

fuck Berkeley City College counselor Jamie Elyse Adair.
fuck Claudia Lai
fuck Bouakhay Phongboupha
fuck Doctor Shaller
doctor buis was ok. at least he did not charge me money. and he was not condescending.

but pretty much everyone else, besides the meditation instructor. was more or less a fucking nightmare.

mister redelings had the nerve to tell me i was "lying" when i asked him to call me "he" instead of "she". he wrongfully accused me. and that lil dickwad did not get any punishment whatsoever. no physical assault. certainly no punishment that caused daily preoccupation. obsession. grudge. remorse. for. over. 22 fucking years. and counting. shit. fuck mister redelings.

but that's exactly it. you do not know how someone will respond. before someone responds. b/c i ain't psychic. you might think you know. (pattern recognition.). but unless you are telepathic or psychic you do not know. and every situation is different.

likewise sometimes even they do not know how they will respond. in particular, the emotional types. and plenty of us are a lot more emotional than we would like to be. (including my dumbfuck self). than we see ourselves as. than we are aware of. including myself shit. fuck Jamie Elyse Adair.
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date of incident: 2017-04-28 20:30
crime: fuck Claudia Lai
protection Public
in psychology, you can pretty much do whatever you want, as long as it ain't illegal. a 10th grade school psychologist condescendingly told me "the reason why middle school students bullied you was b/c they were jealous that you did better @ school than they did. and if you work hard, you can be whatever you wanna be when you grow up". okay. did her job description say that she had to recite that quote to each customer? when i worked at a campaign, my job was to make cold calls and recite a certain quote. the supervisor told me that i used too little vocal inflection and to use more. so did her supervisor tell her to memorize and practice her lines, with correct verbal and nonverbal communication, just like a professional actress? seriously? fuck claudia lai!

@ the time, i felt a bit annoyed and insulted. b/c she expected that 16 year old me would believe whatever she told me. why, b/c she was older than me? b/c she was more educated? a fucking masters degree in psychology ain't the same as a Nobel Prize in Physics, you stupid bitch!

upon closer inspection, however, i realized that her lines sounded rehearsed. so, i tried to consider it from her perspective. as hard as i could. and then asked another counselor if there could've been a really good reason, from her perspective to tell me what she told me. counselor answered negative.

b/c the thing is, that there is no medical or psychometric test that "proves" someone has a certain emotion, for example, jealousy. likewise, she had never interacted with those students. someone might not be aware of his own emotions. they might have bullied me for a lot of reasons and she had no method to know what the reason was. it was not her job to find out the reason. the reason did not matter.

furthermore, someone could be jealous of someone and express it in a lot of different ways. physical assault is one method of expression. but there was no competition. not like Nancy Kerrigan. for example, i was jealous of mister redelings, b/c that dicklette was not just academically smart, but scrawny, handsome, cisgender, neurotypical, white man. but i did not express the jealousy by hiring a stampede of junior high school rodents to "care" about him. (the dictionary definition of "care" is "to attend to".)

in natural science and engineering, you can't just pick the most favorable explanation and hold it up as the absolute truth. you have to do controlled experiments, publish it in PubMed and get peer reviewed. high school students are not the peer of school psychologists.

telling you "you can be whatever you wanna be when you grow up" is not necessarily "helping people". all other things being equal, working hard might slightly increase the chances that you can be whatever you wanna be. however, there is only one national president every 4-8 years, unless he/she gets impeached or assassinated. not everyone has the potential to do every job. nature versus nurture. not everyone can develop the academic skills to invent the iphone. not everyone can develop the speed and strength to make it to the NBA.

and telling you that quote might trick you into putting all your eggs into one basket. went to a SMART support group. specific, manageable, attainable, realistic, timeable goals. if you set your goals too high, you get discouraged when you fail. which you inevitably do, when pressured ("encouraged") to shoot for the stars. (fuck jamie adair for having the nerve to tell me that a then software engineer "encouraged" me to take community college classes so that i could apply for internships that required applicants to be students. connotation versus denotation, you little cunt! the correct word is "pressured" and "tricked" not "encouraged"). if someone graduates medical school and does not get a residency, then what? the health care system has no role for them. still can't be a medical doctor. they can't even be a nurse. likewise. put all your eggs in one basket. making sacrifices is sometimes necessary and reasonable. but some things cannot or should not be sacrificed. besides, even if you make the sacrifice, no guarantee of success. like in my stupidass case. shit. despite maniacal studying for the SAT, little or no social interaction (and almost nobody accepted me in any significant way), and bullying, i did not get a job that required any stupidass degree.

Claudia Lai was not a professional psychic or a job counselor, nor did she have the academic skills to fulfill those jobs.

likewise, that statement made it sound like i should've purposely done worse @ school, and if i did that, then junior high school rodents would not have bullied me. at least, not as much.

told that to the current counselor. she asked me, retroactively, if i would've chosen (1) purposely doing worse in school, not getting bullied, working at a job i don't want or (2) doinng better at school, getting bullied, working at a job i want.

and i answered that there are some jobs that are so hard to get, that it requires a lot of sacrifice. those professionals have to go to school for a long time. years. tuition. $$. waste energy. and they have to make other sacrifices as casualties. like not enough time to waste doing other shit, such as socializing. i get that. but for the amount of bullying those little insects did to me (and the amount of hard work i put in), quite frankly, anything less than a Masters in Mechanical Engineering just ain't fucking worth it.

you would have to ask: how much bullying, for what degree in what subject and what job? in other words, be specific.

none of the academically smart, vocationally competent STEM professionals that i have interacted with, act like they got victimized an undue amount when they were young. on the other hand, that is just my misinterpretation of their behavior. of course, i did not and could not have followed them around to see if they got bullied. b/c that ain't possible, practical or legal to follow them around. but what if they did get bullied, what if they did not get bullied, then what?


then the current counselor asked me what i would've wanted Claudia to say. which is actually a good question, b/c there is seriously something wrong with everything. maybe Claudia should've said that she was not present at the scene, and she was not telepathic. she did not know what happened, and she did not know someone else's thoughts or emotions. but Claudia could've told me that she noticed i had a lot of undiagnosed autism symptoms. Claudia could've told me to ge thee to a neuopsychiatrist for an official diagnosis. and it had to be early enough to arrange accommodations for the SAT. and it certainly had to be before age 18. b/c of the Regional Center policies.

shit fuck Jamie Adair and Claudia Lai. they acted like they did not just know me, but they knew everything
. cunts like them make me wanna fucking puke, shit.
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